Canada, Get Your Own Damn Game Show

Many in the land of maple syrup and Celine Dion are up in arms over the fact that “Jeopardy!” will no longer be accepting contestants from Canada. Due to new online-privacy laws, the show claims that it can’t allow folks who live north of the border to take the online test that gets you on the show.

And I say to that: good riddance!

Hear me out: the show would be better off without any Canadians. Canadians are the only reason the show asks its contestants to know about meaningless things like Arcade Fire and the French language. With Canucks off the show, the clues can finally be purely American, a real test of knowledge about things that matter, like Mark McGwire and Hardee’s. The show was watered down by its attempts to pander to America’s Hat. Sure, some mooseheads have won on the show, but do you really think Canadians could hold a candle to game show greats like Ken Jennings, Andy Richter, and Raynell Cooper?

As a “Jeopardy!” champion myself, I was tired of these foreign nationals hopping the fence and taking our money. Canadians have tarnished the sanctity of my “Jeopardy!” win for too long. I’m a strong believer in the traditional definition of game shows: only Americans should appear on American game shows. You don’t see me flying up to Toronto to play “Name That Loon” or “Win Wayne Gretzky’s Money,” do you? No! It would be wrong for me to invade another country and win their prizes, even if they’re in Canadian currency and not real money.

American television is constantly under attack from abroad. “American Idol” is judged by an Aussie (no wonder it’s getting cancelled). “The Daily Show,” one of the most quintessentially American creations, is helmed by a South African. They’ve even started casting British actors on “Downton Abbey”!

I hope this serves as a wake-up call for the folks up north. Just because we share the longest land border in the world doesn’t mean we’re friends. They’re like the roommate who never buys detergent and just always politely asks to borrow some when he has to do laundry. I mean, come on. I know their country only has 17,000 people in it, but you’d think they could give us more than just Steve Nash and “Degrassi” in return to all of the Good Content that we send up there.

As far as I can tell, they have television production capabilities in Canada. If they can make “Trailer Park Boys” and, like, every movie and TV show ever, I’m sure they can find three podiums, some signaling devices, and 61 answers that need questions. It’s really not that hard.

So I am satisfied with this move. I don’t care if the motives behind the ban are questionable. Frankly, I’d be happy if “online-privacy laws” were just a cover to get illegals off our television. I’d like to think “Jeopardy!” was tired of having to pay winners in $2 coins.

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Raynell Cooper is a “Jeopardy!” champion and founder of the NAACP (National Association for the Abatement of Canadian People). You should follow him on Twitter.

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