Crooked Scoreboard Presents: FantasyWad

Just like most sports fans, I love gambling using my knowledge to earn money based on athletic performances. So when daily fantasy sports hit the scene, I wanted in on the action. I was excited to see the occasional commercial about people who seem really relatable and nice winning all sorts of money on DraftKings and FanDuel. Even my favorite impartial journalists like Matthew Berry were integrating daily fantasy sports into their reports. But the most recent scandal has highlighted a number of issues with the current market in the industry. So I decided to leverage the marketing and technical expertise of Crooked Scoreboard to launch FantasyWad.

So I know what you’re thinking. You’re sitting there thinking, “DraftKings already made a fricking statue of me in their Hall of Fame; why should I leave a place that has a statue of me?” or “I work for DraftKings; why would I stop playing FanDuel when it’s all basically the same?” Well, let me tell you something: FantasyWad is different. It’s a new paradigm in the daily fantasy world. We’re breaking barriers others didn’t even know existed. FantasyWad is different in FIVE key ways:

1. Normal-sized checks. A major tenet of our business plan is to cut down on check size. DraftKings and FanDuel’s massive checks seem super cool, but they’re difficult to mail, and even tougher to cash. There’s no ATM that takes oversized checks, is there? The cost is high, and the darn things don’t even work! We will have checks that are normal check-size, maybe even smaller, if our bank says it’s okay. Here at FantasyWad, it’s about saving the environment and creating fewer awkward interactions with your bank teller. We get it, she’s cute, you just want to make small talk over a normal transaction and not have to be “that guy” with the huge check. We got your back.

2. Diversification of sports. While FanDuel may think it knows a thing or two about football and baseball, it doesn’t do much beyond that. We’ve applied our complicated algorithms to allow you to place money on draft players in a large number of events. It’s about the fans, and the fans want more than just the Big Four. Is Johns Hopkins’ Joel Tinney a good buy for your daily fantasy collegiate men’s lacrosse team? Do you like Hikaru Nakamura’s chances at the Chess World Cup? You think David Feinman has a killer cross for Fairfax High School’s mock trial team? Have at it! We’re about more than just football.

3. Safeguards against insider trading. Anyone signing up to play at FantasyWad has to answer an exhaustive one-question test (“Do you work for DraftKings or FanDuel?”) to make sure they don’t work for a rival site. As for our employees, if they’re caught using our info to play on other sites, we reprimand them for giving business to other companies, and tell them to just play their money on our site! We can just take it out of their paychecks so they don’t have to worry about how they’ll pay. The scandal that rocked DraftKings and FanDuel stemmed from a lack of in-depth security measures, something that we’re prepared to handle very well.

4. No partnerships with journalists or news outlets. When we saw that ESPN and DraftKings became business partners, we were extremely disappointed. “How,” we thought to ourselves, “could DraftKings jeopardize their values and morals just for a little exposure?” We think both DraftKings and FanDuel have made decisions to shack up with news outlets with callous disregard for the proud traditions of the industry, and we don’t think it’s right for our competitors to stoop so low.

5. Play alongside the cast of Cheers*. Does Ted Danson think Marcus Mariota is a good value? Does Kirstie Alley prefer Tyler Eifert or Zach Ertz at tight end? When Rhea Perlman and John Ratzenberger fight over Justin Tucker, who wins? Exclusive to FantasyWad members, watch the cast of the iconic ‘80s television show make their picks every week, and pretend you’re talking football with your friends at the bar where everybody knows your name.

(*Deal still pending. Our contact, Dave, who played a bar patron also named Dave in the Season Four episode “Cliffie’s Big Score,” says he still keeps up with the cast and ensures us that all of them would be interested in helping us out.)

Here at Crooked Scoreboard, we believe in changing the world. And while none of us have the sway to stop the war in Syria, cure ALS, or get the Taco Bell down the street for us to open for breakfast like EVERY OTHER TACO BELL IN THE TRI-STATE AREA, we think we can change daily fantasy sports. Because, at its core, it’s about us. The fans. We should be able to play who we want to play, in whatever sport we want, alongside whatever Cheers actor we choose, without having to worry about how we’re going to cash a cumbersome check. Sign up for FantasyWad today! (Or later this week, there’s really no rush. Sorry to put that pressure on you.)

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Raynell Cooper is a writer, quiz whiz, and professional long snapper. You should follow him on Twitter.

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