Bombshell: There Is a Dumb Thing on the Internet

If you’re reading this, I would assume you are a user of the Internet, or you’re at least starting to transition away from the sidewalk graffiti edition of our publication. The Internet is home to many wonderful things, because anyone can share their ideas on it with relatively little fear of censorship or criminal prosecution. That’s what’s great about it!

What’s not so great about it is that, while freedom of expression thrives, little things like fact-checking and logic are strictly optional. It is with that in mind that I present to you this piece of “information” I came across yesterday:dumbHoo boy… that’s a lot to digest, so let’s take it slowly. It’s also needlessly blurry, so let’s take a minute to rest our eyes.

Okay, ready? The title of this meme, “NBA VS NFL,” does not make much sense. Football players and basketball players generally don’t compete against each one another, regardless of their criminal histories. But then we get to the end, and we find out it’s a guessing game. Fun, right? Well, for the sake of this article, let’s just pretend it’s fun. It’s a mystery, and those are pretty popular these days. So let’s take a look at the evidence and decide whether it’s Adnan or Jay, I mean, whether it’s the NBA or the NFL.

“36 have been accused of spousal abuse.” It’s gotta be the NFL, right? I’m pretty sure that was the slogan that replaced “Together We Make Football” this season. “The NFL: 36 Accused of Spousal Abuse.”

Of course, there’s the issue of just who, exactly, did the accusing, but the person who wrote this wasn’t really into the whole “citing sources” thing, as you can probably see. One would think it’s the spouses who came forward, but it could be anyone, really. Maybe Jeff Garcia is still trying to make a comeback, and he thought he’d give a few dozen quarterbacks a little push off the depth chart.

“7 have been arrested for fraud.” Hmm. This is the NFL, too. Robert Griffin has started five games this season, and I don’t think honesty had much to do with it.

“19 have been accused of writing bad checks.” Things get interesting here, because I’m pretty sure this is the NBA. With all their ten-day contracts and Bird rights and mid-level exceptions, it’s impossible for NBA players to know how much money they really have.

“117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.” This is a tough one, but I know Adrian Peterson bankrupted Radisson Hotels, and probably set out to destroy The Children’s Place.

“3 have done time for assault.” Ruben Patterson, Ron Artest, and Jeff Taylor. Done! Too easy. (Remember, accuracy and corroboration are purely unnecessary here.)

“8 have been arrested! for shoplifting” In this one, they were so excited to tell us people had been arrested that they couldn’t even wait to hold the exclamation! point in until the sentence was over. Unfortunately, the thing these people were arrested for isn’t very interesting. I mean, everyone who’s ever been to Whole Foods is a shoplifter! If it had said, “8 have been arrested! for reckless endangerment of alligators,” that would’ve been a lot better.

“84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.” Whoa! These players obviously haven’t seen the commercial with the cars full of alcohol oceans. That’s a lot of DUIs. I have no idea which league this might be, but I’m going to go with the NFL, just because the rosters are over four times as large.

So… which league is it, really?

dumb2Tricky! They introduced two possible choices, but then the “twist” was a surprise third option, because a lie is the same thing as a twist, apparently.

Of course, whether you attribute them to the NBA, the NFL, or the US Congress, none of these statistics make any sense. A quick search of the Snopes database reveals them to be completely false, but that shouldn’t even be necessary. As much as we may dislike our representatives, they’re not going to collectively rack up almost two drunk-driving offenses per week. Most of them probably haven’t even been behind the wheel of a car since they were elected.

This thing came to my attention through the Twitter feed of Darrell Green (@darrellgreen28), a Hall-of-Fame NFL cornerback who was known for his ability to outrun anything with four legs or fewer. Despite his 54 career interceptions, Mr. Green seems to have let this wobbling duck of information get right past him and into the hands of his 38,000 followers. I’m willing to let this one slide, though, since I’m a fan of the guy, and I’m sure he’s dealing with 535 angry congresspeople right this minute.

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