Pete Rose got into a bit of trouble back in 1989, and after an amazing career in baseball, Charlie Hustle was banned forever. For steroids? Domestic violence? Terrorism? Nope. Good old-fashioned gambling. Worse… gambling on baseball! Even worse…gambling on his own team! Has your monocle dropped into your tea yet?
Well, Mr. Rose didn’t just gamble; he also lied about gambling. Why would he lie? Because he broke the rules and didn’t want to get in trouble, which is the top-ranked justification for lying worldwide. It’s probably why it was invented.
As a result of his unspeakable acts against baseball’s otherwise untarnished reputation, Pete Rose is unable to enter the Hall of Fame, unless he buys a ticket to look at the bronze heads of guys who were not as good as him. The last hope for the 74-year-old legend was an appeal of the decision, and a meeting with MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. Rose went into that meeting and did what anyone would do: he lied some more.
The decision came down on Monday, and Pete Rose’s appeal has been denied. So, all is lost…or is it? Hold the phone, because none other than GOP frontrunner and future final President of the United States Donald J. Trump tweeted a message of support for Pete Rose. After the election and before the nuclear holocaust lies the sweet spot where the Hall of Fame doors swing wide open by presidential decree. That’s the kind of treatment Pete Rose deserves.
One might ask: Why, out of all the issues, would Trump speak up for Pete Rose? To which I’d reply: How could he not? There are so many similarities between the two men. Here are just a few:
Sweet hairdos: His bowl cut shaped a generation throughout the ‘70s and ‘80s, and any decade in which a mother tried to save $12 by cutting her son’s hair at home with junk-drawer scissors.
Don’t be stupid: When people are wrong, it takes a strong person to yell in their face, and both Pete and Donald are up to the task. Consider the time Pete Rose had to set this umpire straight. Rose got a 30-day suspension because of a little shove, but he needed to make a point. Trump has been known to use abrasive language to get through people’s thick skulls, like in this YouTube video called“10 Hours Straight of Donald Trump Insults” (It should be “10 Straight Hours,” but Donald Trump is way too cool for the grammar police.)
Gambling problem?: Pete loses money at casinos, while Trump loses money on casinos, but both men love a risk. Donald Trump filed for bankruptcy on his casinos four times. We’ll never know how much Pete Rose has lost gambling, but both men are still standing tall, and won’t give up the rush.
The truth shall set them free: Both The Don and Rose know that facts are what you make of them. Why tell the truth when the truth stinks? Pete Rose denied gambling allegations. Trump says all sorts of crazy things. Both know in their hearts that their version of the truth is better than the actual truth. Those are the kinds of convictions that our country was founded on.
Misunderstood: Being a champ is a heavy burden. Some people think that Pete Rose isn’t contrite for his transgressions. Some people think that Donald Trump wants to have sex with his daughter. Neither of these things are probably not completely true, maybe.
Ready to lead: Trump wants to be President of the United States, and Pete Rose said at press conference that he wants to be commissioner of baseball. Rose was only joking, but he’s right. Even better, Pete Rose should be Vice President. Trump/Rose 2016!
Chris Laker is a comedian who has won $2 million on FantasyWad. You should follow him on Twitter.