It’s Thanksgiving, and that means pumpkin lattes, premature spurts of Christmas, half-eaten cranberry gelatin things that your aunt brought because she remembers the World War II or something, and turkeys. Live turkeys, John Madden turkeys, hand-outline turkeys, turkey gizzards, turkey leftovers, turkey bacon, and the great pile of metaphorical blog turkeys, which may or may not include this piece of writing.
That makes it the most perfect time of year to look at the five biggest turkeys in sports.
The Grand Face-Belly Turkey
The Grand Face-Belly Turkey is a proud turkey, largely found in the South, where standards of gaudiness are so lax that on the Cherry Scale (the standard North American gaudiness scale, named after Canadian broadcaster Don Cherry) that a Kardashian doesn’t even register.
Nonetheless, the Grand Face-Belly Turkey is a gaudy turkey by most standards. It believes it’s modest, but its sequins and star earrings make for a gaudy turkey that no one–NO ONE–outside of Dallas should cheer for.
The Delusion Turkey
The Delusion Turkey is nearly the opposite of the Grand Face-Belly Turkey. Much more reserved, it can be found the upper Midwest roaming the flats upside-down.
Many scientists believe that its insistence on running upside-down is why it continues to be excited by a .300 record. The vantage point may invert that number into something that seems remotely watchable.
Tim Turkey is another big turkey. But Tim Turkey also a persistent turkey. You think you’ve killed the turkey, finished it off for good, but it’s never true.
Just when you think you’re out, it pulls you back in.
It craves attention, and will do anything it can to receive it. It’ll return kicks, catch passes, appear in commercials, and–worst of all–scramble in front of you and kneel, over and over. It’ll kneel any old place, blocking your way and making you watch it kneel like it’s so great. You’re not so great, Tim Turkey. You’re not so great.
The Zebra Turkey
The reasons for the Zebra Turkey’s stripes are unknown. The elusive bird tends to camouflage itself behind drunk turkeys. Some zoologists believe that, when combined with the swaying of a drunk turkey, the stripes may help camouflage the edges of the animal, confusing predators as to the size and threat level of the turkey. Others believe that its a way for the turkey to disguise its judgmental disposition toward others, while making itself seem kind of ironic.
The Zebra Turkey is most often seen standing very still, staring directly into the camera. Or taking selfies. It takes selfies.
Some turkeys don’t get a fair crack, but you know they were badass anyway. Like, should have been in the Hall of Fame long before they were inducted kind of badass.
Dustin Nelson is a writer and turkey enthusiast. You should follow him on Twitter.