Hey! Grayson Allen here. You may remember me from such moments as my playful tangle with Florida State’s Xavier Rathan Mayes, or the time I played human Skip-It with Louisville forward Ray Spalding. Let me assure you: these were merely lighthearted ways to bring some buffoonery back into a basketball season where no team is safe. But now, all college basketball fans with a (blue) devilish streak can keep those laughs coming. I’d like to introduce Grayson’s Prank Tank! My kit, which retails for $15,999.99—or a guaranteed top seed in the ACC tourney—is full of pranks for you to use on ACC rivals who don’t have the (mostly white) privilege of calling Cameron Indoor home. Here are just a few of the featured items in Grayson’s Tank:
Exploding can of bees
Use on: Georgia Tech fans
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STILL using that old spring-loaded can of worms? Step up your game! My exploding can of bees is perfect for the UVA fan who’s best friends with a Georgia Tech fan, yet still sore about that early-season loss to the Yellowjackets. The bees are guaranteed to be alive (and pissed!) upon delivery, or your money back! Make sure to shake them up so they’re good and angry. And when your friend asks why there’s a low hum coming from your Pringles can, simply reply, “Why, that’s the sound of fun that won’t stop once you pop!”
Use on: Notre Dame
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Attention basketball enthusiasts in South Bend who aren’t Notre Dame fans: March Madness coincides with St. Patrick’s Day, so Duke could end up ruining your two favorite times of year. But with my special Notre Dame-St. Paddy’s prank package, you can get your revenge. We’ll pay for the round-trip airfare and lodging of a real Irish bodybuilder (from Dublin!), who will crash your friends’ St. Patrick’s Day/March Madness party and dare them to drink Irish car bombs. The fear in their eyes as they sober up will be well worth the thousands spent. Note: The package does not pay for the Irishman’s alcohol expenses. You’re on your own for that.
Grayson Allen’s Famous Tar Heel Heel Tar
Use on: the person who keeps gushing about Roy Williams
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When your older brother put your Wolfpack-loving mom in a Raleigh-area senior home, you had no way of knowing a Tar Heel meemaw would be her next-door neighbor, and the official activity room TV hog. Getting tired of hearing mom complain about Gladys swooning over “that silver fox” Roy Williams? Then buy her some of my famous Tar Heel Heel Tar! Bribe your ten-year-old son with Minecraft to sneak into Gladys’ room and cover the heels of her orthopedic shoes and the bottom of her walker in thick, brown tar. And the beauty of our product? The nursing home aides won’t even know it’s tar! Not if your mom uses our handy alibi script to tell them Gladys had “an accident” and tracked it through the whole senior home like a slow-moving health hazard.
Fake Eviction Notice
Use on: Florida State fans
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This friend knows you’re a Gators fan, and while both of your men’s basketball seasons have been less than stellar, she’s still insistent on doing a drunken tomahawk chop in your face during games. Teach her to respect Native American culture by taking away her land! We’ll provide the carbon paper, obtain the official letterhead from her apartment complex—hell, we’ll even notarize it if you throw in five extra bucks. Just stick it outside her door at 3 AM and wait for her lawyer father (who pays her rent) to finally figure out she’s been duped .
Grayson’s “You Must Be Trippin’!” Wire
Use on: Duke fans
Items left: 0 (New shipment coming soon)
Our most popular product! Prototyped after my own leg, this trip wire has the Grayson Allen seal of approval. Great for birthday-cake entrances and wedding marches in Chapel Hill. Just ask one of our satisfied customers.
Note to Customers: We have noticed an alarming number of sales coming out of Louisville and Tallahassee. Security guards will be monitoring the home locker room and entrances to Cameron Indoor in case anyone tries to get funny.
Check out the rest of our products at www.shouldabeenflagranttwo.com.
Natalie McGill is a comedian, writer, and University of Maryland Terrapin with too much integrity to resort to silly pranks. You should follow her on Twitter.