How to Beat the Golden State Warriors

Method 1: Unbridled Competence

Step 1: Play really, really, really good basketball for 48 minutes. This step is pretty crucial.

Step 2: Hope the Warriors play like hot garbage. This step is also pretty crucial. Pro tip: encourage Andrew Bogut and Anderson Varejao to play.

Step 3: Beat the Warriors! Congratulations, you’re now in the illustrious company of the Lakers, Bucks, Nuggets, and Pistons. There’s no joke here.

Step 4: Resume your traditional programming of mediocrity. “Expectation is the root of all heartache,” William Shakespeare once said, before going on to say how the 1995-96 Bulls would’ve annihilated any team in the modern, no-hand-checking era. Point is, the people of Detroit are hopeless, but the last thing they need is the hope brought on by plus-.500 basketball.

Method 2: Bees

Step 1: Acquire a surplus of bees. While Steph Curry has torched a lot of defenses this year, he has yet to play a game while riddled with bee stings. Based on a recent Gallup poll, 96 percent of Americans have a beekeeper friend who they actively ignore. You should reach out to this beekeeper–he, unlike his Facebook posts, can be useful here.

Step 2: Unleash these bees in the Warriors locker room. It makes a modest amount of sense if you’re a Charlotte Hornets staffer, although be prepared to explain why you’re in possession of bees instead of hornets. Regardless, this step is likely a felony, but it’s no worse than the crimes the Warriors have committed against the modern NBA.

Step 3: Crap, you left the honey by Marreese Speights’ locker, didn’t you? He really likes honey.

Method 3: NBA2K17

Step 1: Purchase NBA2K17. Go to your local GameStop or Wal–you’ve already ordered it on Amazon, haven’t you? Do you have Prime shipping? Oh, hell yeah!

Step 2: Wait 2 days. Do you have other hobbies? No? Well, have you considered beekeeping?

Step 3: Start playing NBA2K17. Wow, these graphics are pretty realistic–you can even see the frustration lines steadily forming on Jahlil Okafor’s forehead, not to mention the general apathy creeping into the stands in Washington!

Step 4: Get Good At NBA2K17. For some reason, a 3-2 zone works really well against the Warriors. It seems like an obvious flaw in the game’s setup, but what do I know? If you get good at reading the passing lanes, you can generate a lot of easy buckets in transition, what with your active hands on the steal and active feet on the fast break (Clark Kellogg™).

Step 5: Play some eight-year old online, who probably loves Steph Curry, but doesn’t understand the nuances of an NBA game. He relies too much on iso ball and totally screws up end-of-quarter two-for-one opportunities. Basically, you’re back to playing the Mark Jackson-coached Warriors, and you can now win easily.

Method 4: Move the Goalposts

Step 1: Have a successful (if slightly disappointing) career as an NBA player. This sentence describes most former players, except for Lawrence Funderburke. He was not successful.

Step 2: Complain about the modern NBA and “kids these days.” What with their long shots, small muscles, and aesthetically pleasing brand of basketball. IT’S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS! WHY DON’T PEOPLE RECOGNIZE THIS?

Step 3: Dominate the news cycle. More coverage of you means less coverage of Steph Curry. Less coverage of Steph Curry means less coverage of Riley Curry. Less coverage of Riley Curry means we all lose, including the Warriors.

Tips:

  • In general, ignorance is your ally.
  • Try to beat the Warriors this season, prior to their potential acquisition of Kevin Durant in the offseason.
  • No matter how angry the Warriors make you as you struggle to beat them, don’t punch an equipment manager and break your hand.

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Header image credit: Vo Hoang – CC/2.0  

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Lucas Hubbard is a humorist who totally wants to re-watch Ulee’s Gold after writing that bee section. You should follow him on Twitter.

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