Today, February 14th, the romantically attached celebrate Valentine’s Day. Bleh. Tell me one good thing about Valentine’s Day. Guess what? You can’t. It’s intellectually impossible. Bad things, however, abound:
- Hallmark makes a 6,000% profit on greeting cards.
- Candy hearts are made from the pulverized bones of single people (and the messages are written in their blood).
- Even Carl’s Jr. is by reservation only on Valentine’s Day.
- The omnipresence of Cupid sends a message to our young people that childhood obesity is adorable.
- Oh, and that cherubic bastard also makes a mockery of archery, which is a REAL OLYMPIC SPORT, thank you very much.
So we like to do things a little differently. We celebrate Valentín’s day, in honor of Jose Valentín, the power hitter and utilityman who played for the Brewers, White Sox, Dodgers, and Mets over his 15-year MLB career. Here are some traditions we like to observe on this holiest of days. And we should note that these traditions DO NOT require a significant other, SO THERE.
- A two-minute, 49-second moment of silence to honor Jose’s 249 career home runs. Because nothing gets the party going like solemn reflection!
- In honor of his Puerto Rican heritage, eat a lot of rice and beans. This meal is delicious, filling, and inexpensive. Unlike all those couples out there, you won’t have to spend $40 for a golf-ball-sized cut of chicken with a dandelion sprig garnish. Instead, you can spend $40 on 40 servings of rice and beans. Efficient!
- On April 28, 2000, Valentín hit for the cycle. To celebrate this momentous achievement, designate four objects in your house as bases and run around them until you are tired. We recommend using a couch or a chair as home plate since they’re easy to slide into.
- In honor of Jose’s brother, Javier, who had his own 11-year career in the MLB, watch a movie with Javier Bardem. We recommend No Country For Old Men, but anything is fine. Except, of course, for Eat Pray Love, because that sounds like something you’d watch on Valentine’s Day, and because it’s terrible, obviously.
- In 2004, Jose became owner of Puerto Rican baseball’s Santurce Crabbers. Before you go to sleep, take a moment to give thanks that your favorite baseball team is not named the Crabbers. Unless your favorite baseball team is indeed the Crabbers, in which case you should run around your makeshift bases ten more times.
A lot cooler than Valentine’s Day, huh? If you don’t believe us, try it out. It’s the most fun you’ll have until St. Patrick Ewing’s Day.