Get nervous, Cleveland, because your love-hate-love relationship with LeBron James might be nearing another hyphen. LeBron has a Twitter account with which he follows 153 “people,” including GQ and Sprite. You know who LeBron doesn’t follow? @Cavs.
That’s pretty messed up. We all know that following our workplaces on Twitter is a mandatory condition of employment. He follows the movie Trainwreck, which he “acted” in last summer. What does Trainwreck have left to tweet about? The Blu-Ray is out there, LeBron. Trainwreck has nothing left to say to you.
Some are speculating that LeBron has gone quiet on social media to prepare for the playoffs. But that’s what the mute button is for. Unfollowing someone (or something) sends a powerful message, and that message is “fuck you.” Are we all about to gather around our TVs like idiots again for The Decision II?
If LeBron is looking to cut back on some of his follows, there are other ones that could be trimmed. @KingJames only follows a select 153 Twitter accounts, most of which belong to famous people he knows personally. But then there are these:
USA Today Money
LeBron has a bunch of money. Probably more than me. Most of my investments are tied up in scratch-off lottery tickets, and all my knowledge of the market comes from the 2010 film Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps, but nobody gets their financial information from USA Today. There is only one reason to read USA Today at all: it was placed by your door at a Holiday Inn Express, and your phone is dead.
Do you also follow MySpace on SnapChat? Vine on Pinterest? What is Instagram going tweet, except “look at this shit on IG”? Don’t mix your social media like that. Twitter is for jokes, news, and naked people. Instagram is for cats, sunsets, and black-and-white cityscapes in the rain. Also, Instagram doesn’t allow nudity, so forget those nerds.
Samsung Mobile USA
Do you have to follow every company you endorse? You’re a huge celebrity, LeBron. Negotiate that Twitter follow out of your contract so you don’t have to see poor people’s phones in your feed. Anyway, there is no way LeBron doesn’t have an iPhone. Every famous person who endorses Android phones would never own one. You’re being played for a sucker.
Beats by Dre
We are all wondering what Beats by Dre headphones is going to tweet next. Beats by Dre headphones have some very insightful things to say on the current political landscape and the future of the world’s economy, as told through pictures of headphones.
Not only is LeBron following Blaze Pizza on Twitter, he’s tweeting his orders.
This is probably mall-pizza garbage, but I still want to eat it. Why is LeBron James worried about bonus club rewards? Does he have a bunch of little coupon cards on his keychain? Oh, forget it. After 10 seconds of Googling, I found out that LeBron is an investor in Blaze, so this is just a commercial. He must have read that USA Today Money article, “People Seem To Like Pizza.”
Image Credit: Howard Smith – US Prewire
Chris Laker is a writer and comedian from New York City. You should follow him on Twitter, even though you probably don’t work for him.