Letter to the Editor: Beyonce’s Heretical Halftime Performance

As a sports fan, I have been willing to look the other way on steroid use, assault, and the movie Concussion in order to enjoy my favorite events. All of that effort was undone by one halftime performance.

Maybe you don’t think it’s a big deal. No one at Crooked Scoreboard has admonished the insanely offensive display that was the Super Bowl 50 halftime show. I am contacting everyone involved in sports in order to express my outrage. (Cullen Jenkins is next on my alphabetical list.)

The most disgusting thing about Beyonce’s “performance” was that I did not realize it was offensive until the fine folks at Fox News told me it was. Sure, it appeared to be an innocuous spectacle filled with singing, dancing, and fireworks, bookended by Coldplay, for some reason. Thank goodness freedom lovers were able to investigate, and tell the rest of us concerned citizens how to feel.

After watching the halftime show many times, I have compiled extensive notes on the main issues. Here is a list of problems that I expect Roger Goodell and “President” Obama to address as soon as possible:

1) Hot Sauce In Her Bag: Beyonce repeatedly exclaimed that she had “hot sauce in her bag.” Outside food is not permitted at the Super Bowl. While the average fan would have been asked to leave condiments at the door, Miss Knowles had a bottle of Frank’s Red Hot by her side, no problem. Another case of the elites playing by their own rules.

2) Swag: This word is unfamiliar to me, and it is very confusing. At first, I thought it was an abbreviation for Volkswagen, but that does not seem to be the case. In any event, urban vernacular that was not in use while I was in high school should not be used during a family event. Also, my age is none of your business.

3) Divisive Costumes: Beyonce and her backup dancers were all dressed in black leather outfits and black berets. Black is known to be a slimming color. These women were trying to hide their true body shape in order to make others feel bad about their weight. Lying is the new black. Wear bright colors!

4) Copyright Infringement: At one point in the performance (which I have read about, but do not remember), Miss Knowles raised her fist in some kind of salute. I do not listen to smutty radio programs, but my son informs me that the raised-fist salute is the trademark of Howard Stern. This young lady has run roughshod over copyright law in a brazen attempt to cash in on the success of “America’s Got Talent.”

5) All-Around Rudeness: We were all enjoying Coldplay when Bruno Mars and Miss Knowles interrupted them. Maybe if she hadn’t stolen the spotlight from the band, we could have heard that Coldplay song that I like but don’t know the name of. You know, the one with the piano thing.

Every American should be angry that we had to watch such a display for over ten minutes. If Beyonce, with her questionable political message, believes she will get me to watch her halftime show over and over again, she is wrong. I plan to stop watching it late next week.

The Super Bowl halftime show should feature acts that every American can enjoy. Bring back Up With People!

Have a blessed day,
Roberta Roberts
Concerned Citizen and Media Watchdog

CC: Roger Goodell, “President” Saddam Hussein Obama, Donald Trump, Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams

Photo: Matt Cowan/Getty Images; Volodymyr Baleha / Shutterstock

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Chris Laker is a comedian who has hot sauce on his shirt. You should follow him on Twitter.

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