Louisville Basketball’s New Recruiting Methods

There has been quite a hubbub in the sports community after it was revealed that basketball recruiters at the University of Louisville know how to do their jobs. It’s pretty simple: if you give strippers and prostitutes to high-school athletes, they’ll come to your school. Brilliant!

Not so fast. It seems that the NCAA has rules against those things. Maybe if they’d stuck with just the strippers, it would’ve been okay? Nope.

So now that the Louisville party is over, what are the Cardinals to do? We uncovered a university memo full of suggestions for good, clean, fun-filled alternatives. These events will show prospective student-athletes that U of L knows how to get down (in ways that are compliant with NCAA rules and the law.) The top players in the country will be climbing over each other to get a spot on the team.

Ice Cream Social (BYOIC)

If you don’t like ice cream, you can take your talents to the University of Kentucky, because who needs a teammate who won’t have some Häagen-Dazs after a big win? Unfortunately, free ice cream cannot be provided, due to those pesky NCAA regulations. Bright side: you get to pick whatever flavor you want (no nuts please, due to food allergies). There are no rules against sharing, so feel free to mix and match! You can get downright TURNT UP with a mint-chocolate-chip/strawberry combo!

Movie Night

What’s better than strippers and hookers? Movie night with the boys! All recruits can pile into a dorm room and partake in the best DVDs the U of L library has to offer. Choose from such hits as The Next Karate Kid, Swing Vote, and one of the Spider-Man movies. It might be a Tobey Maguire one, but we’re not sure. They’re all pretty good.

Explore Louisville Culture

Some people don’t realize how much the city of Louisville has to offer. There is all sorts of culture and nightlife. Take the Louisville Slugger Factory tour! For only $12, see how bats are made. There’s also a Hard Rock Cafe next to the T-Mobile store. What else do you need?

Sports Illustrates Swimsuit Issue

OK, no more prostitutes, we get it, but you still have needs. That’s what the SI swimsuit issue is all about. Of course, prospects cannot be given gifts, but if an assistant coach’s copy is lying around in a common area, feast your eyes, boys. One day you too might have your own subscriptions.

Pony Rides

We absolutely can’t and won’t provide you with a car or vehicle of any kind, but there are no regulations against having a horsey. You can get around town with ease, and even make friends with your new equine. What’s more fun, driving a stupid BMW to class, or galloping up on a pony like a cowboy? Remember, nobody gave you anything. There just happens to be a stable on campus that you have access to.

Coupons!

Cash is a no-no, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says you can’t play b-ball and cash in on the savings Valpak has to offer. Imagine getting ten percent off Home Depot appliance orders over $395, or $10 Kohl’s cash for every $50 you spend at Kohl’s!

NOTE: All coupons are available to the general public and are subject to change.

Look at Rich Guy Stuff

Sure, players can’t profit, but Coach Rick Pitino is rich AF. He can show you all the cool stuff he buys with his basketball millions. Check out his dope Lexus and sweet mansion. Who knows what else he’ll buy and let you look at? Just think, if you come to Louisville and win a championship, you’ll score RP an extra $500,000. That’s on top of the $5 million per year he’s already pulling down. In Kentucky, that’s like a zillion dollars. As a player, you, of course, will get a championship baseball cap and matching shirt. Everybody’s happy.

Begging!

We ain’t too proud. Tell us how you want to be begged to. On our knees? No prob! Crying in the fetal position? Done and done. Be creative, because we are 100 percent allowed to beg in any way that doesn’t involve hookers and strippers.

In closing, please come play at Louisville. Please, please, please.

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Chris Laker is a comedian who still has the pony his college gave him. You should follow him on Twitter.

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