Five More Things the Masters Should Trademark

Last year, The Masters and Augusta National Golf Course actually filed a trademark for broadcaster Jim Nantz’s iconic tournament lead-in, "A tradition unlike any other.” The filing was reported by brand fetishist and bipedal press release Darren Rovell, but it drew little ink elsewhere. But this precedent got me thinking: what other elements of The Masters deserve IP protection? I came up with the list below, and I think I pretty much nailed it. 1. Green Jackets Everyone knows that the winner of the Masters is adorned with a green jacket, which can be pretty disarming for us laymen when we walk down Main Street and see another feller in a green jacket. Now, this other guy is wearing a jacket that is plaid, and has elbow patches, and--come to think of it--actually looks more brown than anything else, but hey! Enough with the confusion. If the Masters trademarks green jackets, no longer will we have to wander around dinner parties in a stupor, trying to figure out which of our friends are champion golfers and which simply have an employee discount at Burlington Coat Factory. 2. Par 5 A lot of golf courses have holes with pars of 3 and, heck, even 4. Still, the Masters was the first tournament--and to this day, is the only tournament--to have holes that are “par 5.” Now, if we subscribe to this archaic “par” system and ignore the idea that four strokes is four strokes regardless of whether four strokes is par or bogey or birdie, then this “par 5” jazz seems kinda cool. I’m afraid it’d be a real shame for another tournament to steal this novelty. 3. Augusta It’s a pretty hilarious geographical footnote that not only does Maine also have a city named Augusta, but it's actually the capital! Nope, sorry. Just kidding. There’s only one Augusta, and the sooner we can trademark the great Georgia name, the quicker we can get to renaming those second-rate cities and people and Roman emperors and months. 4. Tiger Regardless of what you think about his personal affairs, Eldrick Woods is one of the finest golfers in history. However, his nickname “Tiger” should belong to The Masters, due to its origination that one time in 2000 when he was maimed by a tiger lurking around Amen Corner. Woods still birdied the 11th hole, and the tiger was later escorted from the grounds for taking photos. 5. “Our membership is single-gender, just as many other organizations and clubs all across America. These would include Junior Leagues, sororities, fraternities, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, and countless others. And we all have a moral and legal right to organize our clubs the way we wish.” This 2002 quote, from then-Chairman Hootie Johnson, is just classic Masters. It’s been estimated that the tournament is missing out on millions in embroidered ascot sales each year by not trademarking this endearing turn of phrase. *** Lucas Hubbard is a comedy writer who has a trademark on the term "sand wedge." You should follow him on Twitter.

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