The NCAA’s Super Sweet 16

As you are almost certainly aware, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament’s Sweet 16 begins today. You may also be familiar with “My Super Sweet 16,” a program that ran on MTV from 2005 to 2008, and depicted the wild, over-the-top birthday parties of children with preposterously wealthy parents. But what would happen if those two things were combined? What if the winners of the four regional finals were decided by party-planning contests between the surviving schools?

The new rules for Sweet 16 basketball are simple: Each team left in the tournament will be responsible for planning a birthday party for Ashlyyn, a soon-to-be 16-year-old girl, and one of the planet’s very worst human persons. Ashlyyn’s father is the CEO of a billion-dollar real-estate empire, and he replaces love and affection with material objects. She has only heard the word “no” once in her life, when she asked her mom if anyone in the world was more special than she. Ashlyyn will pick one of the four teams from each of the four regions to move on to the Final Four, where the basketball tournament will resume as previously scheduled.

SOUTH

Kansas Jayhawks – If there’s one thing that folks from Kansas know well, it’s being shitty to people (from legalizing LGBT discrimination to a nigh-fetishistic obsession with limiting the rights of women). Mistreating “lesser-thans” delights Ashlyyn as well, so the Jayhawks make sure to bring lots and lots of servers and attendants to the party, whom Ashlyyn is free to berate to her heart’s content.

Maryland Terrapins – One think you might not know about the Maryland basketball team is that I hate them. I am using my editorial power to ensure that they do not advance. Goodbye, Terrapins. Maybe Diamond Stone will think twice before trying to bounce dude’s heads like a basketball next time.

Miami Hurrincanes – Coach Jim Larranaga simply shows up and says, “We’ll take you to Miami.”

Villanova Wildcats – Ashlyyn thinks the name Villanova is absolutely adorbs. She asks if the university will change their name since she now wants to name her first daughter Villanova. Head coach Jay Wright laughs and says he doesn’t think so. Bad move, Jay.

Winner: Ashlyyn loved dumping on people with the Jayhawks, but she hasn’t been to Miami since she went to daddy’s beach house three weeks ago. She’s itching to go back, and the Hurricanes take the South and move on the Anaheim.

WEST

Oregon Ducks – Oregon tells Ashlyyn that they’re going to host a fashion show, which delights the teen… at first. However, every single one of the outfits is terrible and most include some sort of glow-in-the-dark yellow nonsense.

Duke Blue Devils – Coach K uses his high-school contacts to track down the girls Ashlyyn hates the most. He invites every single one of them, and no one else. Ashlyyn is furious, and begins to run out of the building, but the Blue Devils make it rain hundred-dollar bills, convincing her to stay and see what they have planned. Throughout the party, Grayson Allen kicks, punches, shoves, and trips each girl dozens of times as Ashlyyn looks on, cackling.

Texas A&M Aggies – “What does A&M stand for?” asks Ashlyyn. “Agriculture and Manufacturing,” head coach Billy Kennedy replies. “Get the hell out of my house,” Ashlyyn screams.

Oklahoma Sooners – Ashlyyn doesn’t know what Oklahoma is (it’s a state, Ashlyyn), nor does she know their most famous basketball alumnus, Blake Griffin. When he shows up to support the Sooners’ cause, however, she is very excited to hear that he lives and works in Los Angeles. Griffin brings lavish goodie bags for all of the guests, but they’re filled with Microsoft products, courtesy of Clippers owner Steve Ballmer. You already know Ashlyyn is strictly an iPhone girl.

Winner: What started as a disaster for Duke ends up as a rout. There is nothing Ashlyyn loves more than see the girls she hates feeling pain and embarrassment. An easy cruise to the Final Four for the Blue Devils.

EAST

North Carolina Tar Heels – North Carolina’s assistants were too busy “helping” students with their mid-term exams to plan a decent party. They hand Ashlyyn $16,000 and tell her to do whatever the hell she wants. This pleases Ashlyyn greatly.

Indiana Hoosiers – There are many interesting things about the state of Indiana. The state’s citizens very much enjoy amateur basketball at both the college and high-school levels. Additionally, many people from Indiana enjoy playing and watching basketball games played by college and high-school students. Another thing that is interesting about Indiana is that amateur basketball is played there.

The Hoosiers’ plan for Ashlyyn’s party is to stage a basketball game featuring Ashlyyn and her friends as their opponents. Ashlyyn hates basketball and refuses to participate, choosing instead to pout on the bench. Indiana wins the game 174-0 and is immediately eliminated.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish – This one’s kind of a layup for the Fighting Irish, who boast among their recent graduates Austin Swift, the younger brother of megastar Taylor Swift. Under normal circumstances, a Catholic School in Indiana might struggle to make the cut in a competition like this, but the connection to the blonde starlet gives them a leg up, as they’re able to provide Ashlyyn with a private concert by the world’s biggest pop star.

Wisconsin Badgers – The Badgers have been an entertaining bunch both on and off the court this year. Preparing to simply show up and wow young Ashlyyn with their fun, quirky personalities, Wisconsin sees Taylor Swift in a custom Notre Dame dress-jersey and packs everything up early, knowing they’ve been defeated.

Winner: North Carolina and Notre Dame face off in the regional final, but Swift carries the Fighting Irish to Anaheim. While Ashlyyn hated the Hoosiers’ party, she did enjoy bullying coach Tom Crean with her friends and making him cry. Onlookers and Crean’s own players enjoyed the display as well.

MIDWEST

Virginia Cavaliers – Cavaliers coach Tony Bennett loves to slow the game down and force his opponents to work hard for quality shots. He brings that same philosophy to Ashlyyn’s party, choosing a theme of “food” and putting Chet Baker on the soundtrack. She hates it.

Iowa St. Cyclones – If a bunch of folks from flyover country seem to be unlikely contenders in a competition like this, y’all obviously have never been to Ames. Those people party like they’re reenacting Prohibition every damn night. The Cyclones bus in 1200 students and tell them all that Ashlyyn is the reason they will be drinking for free. She is treated like a dang princess.

Gonzaga Bulldogs – Ashlyyn has never heard of Gonzaga, and Domantas Sabonis is able to convince Ashlyyn that it is in Mexico, which piques her interest. Unfortunately, the team isn’t really able to deliver on that intriguing premise, and simply gets Qdoba catered. Ashlyyn is particularly terrible and prefers Chipotle.

Syracuse Orange – Ashlyyn loves New York City, and is unaware the rest of the state exists. The Orange wisely do nothing to disabuse the young lady of the idea that their university is located in The City That Never Sleeps. They throw a terrific Empire State of Mind-themed party for Ashlyyn, complete with a concrete jungle.

Winner: Syracuse puts up a decent fight in the regional final, but the kids from Ames are just too much—Ashlyyn can’t get enough of all the attention. The Cyclones move on to the national semifinals.

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Travis Sarandos is a writer who would love it if you threw him a Super Sweet 29. You should follow him on Twitter.

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