Your New Draft Pick Isn’t Going to Work Out

It’s only May, but the thought still percolates: We’ve got a shot this year. Sure, we were 6-10 last year, we lost our wide receiver, our center retired, and our quarterback’s kids are in junior high. But did you see those kids we picked up in the draft? We’re gonna dominate the division!

Not so fast, Nostradamus. Your shiny new draft picks just aren’t going to work out. Here’s why:

I Think They Call Them “Character Issues”

It was a bad sign when your guy got caught taking hits off a bong he made from a sleeping bag and a crockpot. (On the street they call that a Denver Hot Air Balloon.) It was a worse sign that he posted it to Twitter. From Josh Gordon’s account. While they roomed together at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, in the Ryan Leaf Suite. Doesn’t matter if he’s Bo Jackson from Tecmo Bowl when his pee smells like that headband Willie Nelson has been wearing for thirty years.

This Ain’t Europe

We’re sure your guy, a real physical specimen, ruled the Luxembourg Flag Football League. But aren’t you the least bit concerned that his closest connection to the NFL is watching "Ballers" on his friend’s HBO Go account, and his focus in college was making chocolate watches? An athlete is an athlete, but football American-style is a particularly complicated game, even if your guy was a fan favorite on the New Zealand Rules Ultimate Frisbee Team.

Injury

We all saw the footage: Your guy, the school’s all-time leading receiver, gets tackled low trying to cut the other way and blows out his ACL, MCL, AT&T, Sirius XM, meniscus, Achilles, Sisyphus, and toenails. Brutal hit. He’s never going to go 40 yards in 4.4 seconds again without a trebuchet, not even if Dr. James Andrews gets assistance from Dr. House, Dr. Mario, all the Spin Doctors, and the Professor from "Gilligan’s Island." All Peter King’s horses and all Peter King’s men couldn’t put that career back together again.

Mike Mayock Had Three Long Island Ice Teas on Friday Night

Should've stuck with months worth of scouting and coaches’ evaluation instead of impulsively following a fleeting, trendy narrative that started on Twitter. If you are such a social media maven, how come you didn’t notice a certain analyst in the background of a Vine video doing keg stands with Dan Hanzus and Rich Eisen? (Also, when you see Mike, keep your voice low.)

We Aren’t Marshall

We all love an underdog story. But we don’t expect the remedial math class at the University of Tampa Online to reinvent the iPhone—so why is it you thought their quarterback would be a viable NFL starter? Sure, he’s 6’6” with a big arm, but most of his touchdowns came against the Alabama Institute of Automotive Technology & Animal Husbandry, and several of their defensive linemen were llamas. Hold onto that dream, Rudy. At least the dude’s not from Europe.

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Bryan Miller is a comedian who has all the intangible jokes. You should follow him on Twitter.

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