Ending months of relocation rumors surrounding the Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers, and St. Louis Rams franchises, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that all 32 NFL teams will move to Los Angeles prior to the 2016 NFL season.
“In trying to find ways to move a club to Los Angeles, we realized what an emotional blow we’d be leveling against one of our beloved cities. By relocating the entire league to America’s premier metropolitan area, we’ve made sure no one has been singled out, and no one will be disappointed,” Goodell said. He also revealed the new logo for the soon-to-be-renamed LAFL (pronounced “laughle”) and, through extended fits of giggling, laid out his plans for the future of the league.
“Each week, all games will be played in the Staples MegaCenter, a 1,000,000-seat venue housing 16 regulation football fields that fans can view simultaneously, with bleachers constructed from actual staples. This arrangement will greatly reduce the travel expenses for all teams, and will eliminate the needless injury risk resulting from dangerous bus rides and cross-country flights.”
Goodell reassured fans that teams would retain strong ties with their current home cities. “Not much will change,” he said. “The New York Giants will become the Los Angeles New York Giants. The Packers will be the Los Angeles Green Bay Packers. And every week, all kickers and punters will return to their teams’ original home cities, where they will meet with fans and sign autographs for a nominal fee of $10 per letter.” This news sparked a league-wide bidding war over Sebastian Janikowski.
Oakland native Marshawn Lynch expressed his satisfaction with the news. “There gonna be less goin’ and more stayin’, you know I’m sayin’? Home-field advantage for everyone and maybe coach won’t call pass plays all stupid.”
In closing his remarks, Goodell confirmed that the Cowboys would be permitted to remain in Dallas, and would receive an automatic bye to the Super Bowl.
Dustin Petzold will be relocating to Los Angeles to cover the LAFL. You should follow him on Twitter.