Oddly Specific Predictions for the First Round of the 2014 NBA Playoffs

[Writer’s note: I know the first round of the NBA Playoffs just ended, but I swear I came up with all these predictions weeks ago. Due to the overabundance of pieces we’ve written, we just haven’t had a chance to publish it until now. Trust me on this one.]

I am excited about the first round of the playoffs! There are bound to be fun things, interesting stories, and even alley oops! If you’re wondering just what you should expect from the postseason, I’ve got you covered! I try to be specific as possible, but as you know it’s impossible to predict the future!

Kevin Durant, the league’s MVP, will struggle throughout the first several games of the series. BUT THEN, a harsh newspaper article will get published and he will turn his game around some. This will prove two things: that his MVP award was justified, and that the world of print journalism is not dead. Just generally unreliable.

Russell Westbrook, demon and angel, monster and savior, will win and lose games for the Thunder after having three knee surgeries in the past few minutes. Then in Game Seven, he will light up the Grizzly Bears for one of the more impressive triple-doubles you will ever see.

Zach Randolph, who is built like a marshmallow and who has the tendency to get under people’s skin, will lose his temper when the Thunder’s resident New Zealander does Steven Adams-y things. Instead of calmly speaking his mind, he will shove Adams “in da face,” as the youths might say. And amid all the drama of the playoffs, the potential controversy of Z-Bo getting suspended for Game 7 will arouse no uproar at all.

Oklahoma City and Memphis will play four overtime games in a row. Give or take, of course. Remember, these are all just bold predictions.

The tandem of Tony Allen and Joey Crawford will do all they can to get into KD’s head. One of them will take the ball from him right before he shoots the potentially game-tying free throw.

Pictured: the #1 difference-making presence in the series… and Kevin Durant

Both #1 seeds will be stretched to seven games, because the West is loaded and because the Hawks might just be the greatest 38-44 team of all time. Or the Pacers are just turrible.

Roy Hibbert, who was legally recognized as an NBA All-Star, will forget how to play basketball. For the record, an All-Star is somebody who is deemed quite good at the sport.

The former regional manager of Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch will be the most impressive player on the court at various times. Only now he’s shortened his name to “Mike.”

Despite his devilish good looks, George Hill will be made to look like a revolving door when guarding Jeff Teague. Well, it won’t help that Jeff Teague will do his best MJ impression.

Note: these pictures were added after the fact. OBVIOUSLY. Or else these predictions would be eerily accurate..

Speaking of MJ, LeBron will get so bored with dominating that he will stare down the Greatest Player Ever, right before he throws down a monstrous dunk. I assume it will be out of spite, that Jordan couldn’t field a more competitive team to challenge the King.

Big Al Jefferson will do the Lord’s work in the post, before he inspires everyone to yet again google what exactly “plantar fasciitis” is. Hint: it’s painful.

The biggest trash talker of the entire first round will be this nerd:

“Brooklyn is stinky.”

There will be two huge game-winning shots. One will be by a player who has never been in the playoffs before, and the other will be by a guy who began his career last century. I won’t say which players, but they were in Slam Dunk Contests 14 years apart. And one is Damian Lillard. And the other is Vince Carter.

LaMarcus Aldridge will cement his reputation as the best power forward in the NBA today. He will also begin the argument that he is the best power forward in the NBA today. 89 points over two games will do that for a guy.

Because Nené isn’t used to playing so many games in a row, he will do something silly, like choke a guy. But it doesn’t matter, because obviously the WASHINGTON WIZARDS will dominate their series like no one else this side of Miami.

Speaking of which, the Wizards will remind Chicago of what it’s like to have a game-changing guard, in case people forgot to be sad about Derrick Rose for a minute.

Paul Pierce can’t jump anymore, but he can stretch his arms, and he’ll need every inch of his wingspan to keep Mikhail Prokhorov’s dream alive. He will somehow stop the NBA’s running back, Kyle Lowry, from scoring a buzzer beating floater in the paint in Game 7. How cool would it be if that all came true?

D-League standout Troy Daniels will save Houston’s season, and former D-League standout Jeremy Lin will destroy it.

The Spurs will still win, and crush dreams. Parker will be his old crafty self, Duncan will be his old boring self, and Ginobili will come alive yet again, on the day he turns 50. And they will all team up to make Monta Ellis a sad man.

“BUT I WANTED TO WIN!”

Drake will be Drake in the Drakiest way possible. And Toronto will inexplicably make a lot of money selling team-branded lint rollers, because it wouldn’t make any sense if Canadian basketball made any sense.

Speaking of laundry-related news, for some reason the entire Clippers team will accidentally wear their warmups inside-out. (Side note: The Inside-Out Warm-Ups is also the name of Matt Barnes’ screamo band).

And for a bit, everybody will forget about all the excellent basketball, all the crazy shots and plays, and will become obsessed over an old man and his racist ideology. But then Adam Silver will say tough things and everyone will move on and admire Steph Curry’s beautiful shot again, and Chris Paul’s pain-in-the-buttness, and Tony Parker’s ridiculous navigating through traffic, and Dirk’s Unguardable Shot, and Wesley Matthews 3-and-D skills, and Patrick Beverley’s bulldog antics, and Kevin Garnett’s last breath of NBA life, and Kyle Lowry’s fearlessness, and Trevor Ariza’s cold-bloodedness, and LeBron’s majesty, and Kemba’s stubbornness, and Paul George’s continued ascent to greatness, and Paul Millsap’s underrated skills, and Marc Gasol’s pinpoint passing, and Joakim Noah’s tenacity, and Serge Ibaka’s insane wingspan, and a million other things that will make this the greatest first round of the playoffs in NBA history. But then again, predictions are tough to pull off these days. I just hope I get a couple of these right.

Pictured: Six people who could beat Roy Hibbert in a game of one-on-one

Enjoy the playoffs, people! I’ll be back with my fearless predictions for the second round soon… but not too soon.