The Only 2016 NFL Mock Draft

We are thrilled that the NFL has granted us exclusive rights to produce mock drafts for the 2016 NFL season. We know you’ve been looking for them ever since the college football season ended, but there aren’t any. That’s what “exclusive” means. The lack of competition also means we didn’t have to try very hard. In related news, Mel Kiper Jr. has been spotted drunkenly wandering the streets of Bristol, and the lack of showers has not been kind to his hair. Stay strong, Mel.

1. Titans—Jaylen Ramsey, LB, Florida State
2. Browns—A box of spiders
3. Chargers—Ralph Rhymer, U-Haul driver, John A. Logan Community College
4. Cowboys—Donald Trump, President, Trump University
5. Jaguars—Doof Stumbles, RB, DeVry University (online)
6. Ravens—Myles Jack, OLB, UCLA
7. 49ers—Probably a white guy, according to LeSean McCoy
8. Eagles—Whoever Chip Kelly hates the most
9. Buccaneers—Marco Rubio, water carrier (R)
10. Giants—Mark Falanges, fireworks safety instructor
11. Bears—Carson Wentz, Not Jay Cutler, ND
12. Saints—Vince Young in a Jared Goff mask
13. Dolphins— Pitbull (no discernable position or skill)
14. Raiders—David Graff, Stadium Engineer, SIU
15. Rams—Jill Fritzo, Publicist, Hollywood
16. Lions—Laquon Treadwell sitting on Corey Coleman’s shoulders wearing a Calvin Johnson jersey
17. Falcons—Dean Travelstead, crowd noise simulator, Baylor
18. Colts—Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
19. Bills—Kat Von D, tattoo artist
20. Jets—Emmanuel Ogbah, DE, Oklahoma
21. Redskins—Andrew Jackson IIX, David Duke University
22. Texans—A wheelbarrow to carry Brock Osweiler’s salary
23. Vikings—A kicker who will ruin January
24. Bengals—(The Bengals give their pick to Cleveland just to see what they do; Cleveland forgets it in the back seat of a Chicago cab.)
25. Steelers—Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
26. Seahawks—Kenny Clark, NT, UCLA
27. Packers—Jillian Michaels
28. Chiefs—William Jackson, CB, Houston
29. Cardinals—Elmore Hatsworth, haberdasher for Bruce Arians
30. Panthers—Emily Erikson, grief counselor
31. Broncos—Moshe Harris, jeweler
32. Patriots—Not so fast, Belichick

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Bryan Miller is a comedian who will be selected with the 33rd overall pick of the NFL Draft. You should follow him on Twitter.