An NFL spokesperson announced today that Commissioner Roger Goodell has suspended rookie kicker Dan Smith of BYU for the entirety of the 2015 season. When asked about the reason for the suspension, Goodell cackled and gently stroked his Persian cat.
“To be honest, I just love suspending people,” Goodell said. “It’s fun! I get to break out the big fancy pen, and I also throw a picture of the suspended player into the fireplace. That’s my favorite part of the ritual for sure, but I’m thinking of adding a dartboard.”
But Goodell admitted the process wasn’t all fun and games. “The players’ union insists I have to give a ‘reason’ for suspensions. Dan Smith was a tough one, but there’s nothing I enjoy more than a good challenge. We dug through his past and eventually found out that he was in a DWI accident in 2013. Shocking, right? He was delivering canned goods to a homeless shelter when a drunk driver hit him. He was healthy enough to perform CPR on the driver, but he had to be taken to the hospital for ‘observation.’ He missed an interview that was scheduled for the next morning. It’s unacceptable for NFL players to be shirking their media responsibilities.”
Smith’s suspension means that every NFL player will be barred from competition for at least the first two weeks of the season. “I went a little overboard,” Goodell confessed. “But we’ll figure something out. Maybe we can promote some college players for a little unpaid labor– I mean, invaluable exposure.”
Our attempts to reach Smith for comment were unsuccessful, as he was breaking ground on an animal shelter for three-legged dogs and cats.