Sheila and Morty Discuss the Boston Marathon

[The scene: Early afternoon at SHEILA and MORTY's condo, in an old people's village somewhere in Florida. They are sitting at their kitchen table eating reheated Chinese food. Sheila reheated it in a pan, because she doesn't trust the microwave. Their sweaters are almost as old as their children, who moved out about forty years ago.]  

MORTY

This is pretty good.

SHEILA

Uch. They put too much mushrooms in the noodles.

MORTY 

I like the mushrooms.

SHEILA

Uch.

(silence)

MORTY

Mushrooms are good.

SHEILA

The chinks know how to cook.

MORTY

They're gonna take over, ya know.

SHEILA

When I'm dead and gone, I hope.

MORTY

That wouldn't be the worst. They're.. neat. And organized.

SHEILA

Uch. Always with the mushrooms. When they take over you won't be able to order a hot dog without all their filthy mushrooms.

MORTY

Sheila, you haven't had a hot dog since we've been married.

SHEILA

That's right, 'cause they're made of lips and assholes.

MORTY

They're good, they're very good.

[MORTY glances down at the newspaper he's already read three times.]

That marathon is today, you know.

SHEILA

Huh?

MORTY

The marathon. The race. The big long race.

SHEILA

A race? What about it? What do I care about a race?

MORTY

It's the one in Boston.

SHEILA

Uch, Boston. It's too cold there. Full of micks.

MORTY

Rebecca's husband whatshisname is from Boston, remember?

SHEILA

Uch, he's a good one. The rest of them are a bunch of mick drunks.

MORTY

Last year, Sheila, remember the big thing?

SHEILA

What, about whatshisname?

MORTY

No, the race. In Boston.

SHEILA

What, a bunch of schvartzes went for a run?

MORTY

No, there was an attack. A big kaboom, remember? It was all over the news.

SHEILA

See, nothing good could come of schlepping that long. You never see any Jews running, 'cause they know. They would plotz. They know nothing good comes of that. And it's too cold, you'll freeze your tuches off.

MORTY

I don't think it's so cold up there this time of year.

SHEILA

Uch.

MORTY

Do you remember, the bombs?

SHEILA

What bombs? What are you talking about?

MORTY

At the race. It was last year.

SHEILA

Morty, I don't even remember when we bought this Chinese food. How could I remember a little race from a year ago?

MORTY

No, it was a big deal. They talked about it for days. They were running and some schmuck set a bomb off and killed the runners.

SHEILA

Oy vey, what a crazy world. Did they all die?

MORTY

No they didn't all die, just a few of them.

SHEILA

Uch.

MORTY

But it was awful. They showed their arms missing, they showed it on the TV.

SHEILA

Uch. Was whatshisname okay? Rebecca's husband?

MORTY

They live in Virginia now, Sheila.

SHEILA

Oh, that's right.

MORTY

See, you can't be in a crowd anymore. Nothing's safe, nothing. Not a classroom, not a race. Not a ballgame. That poor schvartze boy couldn't even walk down the street without getting shot. Tsuris, tsuris. Everything is tsuris.

SHEILA

Who can keep track of it all?

MORTY

I don't get it.

SHEILA

Uch. Spicks killing schvartzes. Krauts killing Jews. Guineas killing wops..

MORTY

Guineas are wops, honey.

SHEILA

I know that, schmuck. But I wouldn't put it past them to shoot each other.

MORTY

There's so much hate. Every schmendrick's marching around with five guns and a bomb strapped to their chest. It makes you sick.  

SHEILA

Uch.

MORTY

It says here that 260 people were hurt.

SHEILA

Oy vey. In Boston? They're not supposed to do that crap in Boston. That's what the Arabs do, not the micks. The micks are just drunks, but they're no Arabs.

MORTY

He turned out to be an Arab, I think.

SHEILA

Uch, see! They should've known.

MORTY

Well they're not all bad. My nurse was an Arab, remember?

SHEILA

Your nurse? Your nurse was an idiot. She was soft in the keppy.

MORTY

She was an Arab. They're not all bad.

SHEILA

Uch, they keep setting bombs off. Nothing's safe anymore. The world is crazy. I feel guilty for bringing children into this mess.

MORTY

Have you talked to Rebecca?

SHEILA

How could I? She never calls, not once. I don't want to be a nudnik.

MORTY

You're not a nudnik, Sheila.

SHEILA

Maybe I should be. Then my children might call once in a while.

MORTY

Have you talked to Benjamin?

SHEILA

Uch, that meshugener? God knows I can't handle all that nonsense.

MORTY

He means well.

SHEILA

Uch.

MORTY

Do you know it's 26 miles long?

SHEILA

What?

MORTY

The Boston race. It's 26 miles long.

SHEILA

Uch, what a fakakta sport. They just run for 26 miles, then get blown up? See, Jews know better. They would never do that crap. Leave it to the schvartzes.

MORTY

I wonder if I ever could've run that far.

SHEILA

Love of my life, you get ferschnicket after half a glass of wine. You couldn't run 60 miles when you were 20.

MORTY

It's 26, Sheila.

SHEILA

All right, wiseass. You couldn't run that far when you were 26 either, trust me.

MORTY

Maybe you're right.

SHEILA

Were there any bombs this year?

MORTY

I don't know, the paper's from this morning. I hope not.

SHEILA

Uch. I wouldn't be surprised. The world is crazy. Spicks killing schvartzes--

(MORTY starts coughing on the lo mein)

Honey, are you all right?

MORTY

I'm all right.

SHEILA

I'm not ready for you to go just yet.

MORTY

Better me than you, bubeleh.

SHEILA

Well then I won't be far behind.

MORTY

If I do die in an explosion at the grocery, or anywhere else, just know that I love you more than life itself.

SHEILA

Quit with the schmaltzy drek, Mort. Eat your noodles, for God's sake.

MORTY

They're cold.

SHEILA

Huh?

MORTY

The noodles are cold, Sheila.

SHEILA

Oh, trash them. The chinks put too much mushrooms in anyway.

MORTY

I like the mushrooms.

SHEILA

Uch.  

SCENE

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