MORTYThis is pretty good.
SHEILAUch. They put too much mushrooms in the noodles.
MORTYI like the mushrooms.
MORTYMushrooms are good.
SHEILAThe chinks know how to cook.
MORTYThey're gonna take over, ya know.
SHEILAWhen I'm dead and gone, I hope.
MORTYThat wouldn't be the worst. They're.. neat. And organized.
SHEILAUch. Always with the mushrooms. When they take over you won't be able to order a hot dog without all their filthy mushrooms.
MORTYSheila, you haven't had a hot dog since we've been married.
SHEILAThat's right, 'cause they're made of lips and assholes.
MORTYThey're good, they're very good.
[MORTY glances down at the newspaper he's already read three times.]That marathon is today, you know.
MORTYThe marathon. The race. The big long race.
SHEILAA race? What about it? What do I care about a race?
MORTYIt's the one in Boston.
SHEILAUch, Boston. It's too cold there. Full of micks.
MORTYRebecca's husband whatshisname is from Boston, remember?
SHEILAUch, he's a good one. The rest of them are a bunch of mick drunks.
MORTYLast year, Sheila, remember the big thing?
SHEILAWhat, about whatshisname?
MORTYNo, the race. In Boston.
SHEILAWhat, a bunch of schvartzes went for a run?
MORTYNo, there was an attack. A big kaboom, remember? It was all over the news.
SHEILASee, nothing good could come of schlepping that long. You never see any Jews running, 'cause they know. They would plotz. They know nothing good comes of that. And it's too cold, you'll freeze your tuches off.
MORTYI don't think it's so cold up there this time of year.
MORTYDo you remember, the bombs?
SHEILAWhat bombs? What are you talking about?
MORTYAt the race. It was last year.
SHEILAMorty, I don't even remember when we bought this Chinese food. How could I remember a little race from a year ago?
MORTYNo, it was a big deal. They talked about it for days. They were running and some schmuck set a bomb off and killed the runners.
SHEILAOy vey, what a crazy world. Did they all die?
MORTYNo they didn't all die, just a few of them.
MORTYBut it was awful. They showed their arms missing, they showed it on the TV.
SHEILAUch. Was whatshisname okay? Rebecca's husband?
MORTYThey live in Virginia now, Sheila.
SHEILAOh, that's right.
MORTYSee, you can't be in a crowd anymore. Nothing's safe, nothing. Not a classroom, not a race. Not a ballgame. That poor schvartze boy couldn't even walk down the street without getting shot. Tsuris, tsuris. Everything is tsuris.
SHEILAWho can keep track of it all?
MORTYI don't get it.
SHEILAUch. Spicks killing schvartzes. Krauts killing Jews. Guineas killing wops..
SHEILAI know that, schmuck. But I wouldn't put it past them to shoot each other.
MORTYThere's so much hate. Every schmendrick's marching around with five guns and a bomb strapped to their chest. It makes you sick.
It says here that 260 people were hurt.
SHEILAOy vey. In Boston? They're not supposed to do that crap in Boston. That's what the Arabs do, not the micks. The micks are just drunks, but they're no Arabs.
MORTYHe turned out to be an Arab, I think.
SHEILAUch, see! They should've known.
MORTYWell they're not all bad. My nurse was an Arab, remember?
SHEILAYour nurse? Your nurse was an idiot. She was soft in the keppy.
MORTYShe was an Arab. They're not all bad.
SHEILAUch, they keep setting bombs off. Nothing's safe anymore. The world is crazy. I feel guilty for bringing children into this mess.
MORTYHave you talked to Rebecca?
SHEILAHow could I? She never calls, not once. I don't want to be a nudnik.
MORTYYou're not a nudnik, Sheila.
SHEILAMaybe I should be. Then my children might call once in a while.
MORTYHave you talked to Benjamin?
SHEILAUch, that meshugener? God knows I can't handle all that nonsense.
MORTYHe means well.
Do you know it's 26 miles long?
MORTYThe Boston race. It's 26 miles long.
SHEILAUch, what a fakakta sport. They just run for 26 miles, then get blown up? See, Jews know better. They would never do that crap. Leave it to the schvartzes.
MORTYI wonder if I ever could've run that far.
SHEILALove of my life, you get ferschnicket after half a glass of wine. You couldn't run 60 miles when you were 20.
MORTYIt's 26, Sheila.
SHEILAAll right, wiseass. You couldn't run that far when you were 26 either, trust me.
MORTYMaybe you're right.
SHEILAWere there any bombs this year?
MORTYI don't know, the paper's from this morning. I hope not.
SHEILAUch. I wouldn't be surprised. The world is crazy. Spicks killing schvartzes--
(MORTY starts coughing on the lo mein)Honey, are you all right?
MORTYI'm all right.
SHEILAI'm not ready for you to go just yet.
MORTYBetter me than you, bubeleh.
SHEILAWell then I won't be far behind.
MORTYIf I do die in an explosion at the grocery, or anywhere else, just know that I love you more than life itself.
SHEILAQuit with the schmaltzy drek, Mort. Eat your noodles, for God's sake.
MORTYThe noodles are cold, Sheila.
SHEILAOh, trash them. The chinks put too much mushrooms in anyway.
MORTYI like the mushrooms.