The other day, I read about a fantasy football league that requires the owner of the worst team to get a tattoo designed by the owner of the best team. Although permanently marking your body over a game which oftentimes comes down to unpredictable coaching decisions, fluke performances, and injuries is a good start, I’ve taken the liberty of jotting down a few consequences for losers which are sure to spice up even the most intense league:
Canings: Do you want your fantasy football league and the Malaysian judicial system to have something in common? If so, you might want to try imposing canings as a penalty for your league’s laggards. Malaysian courts can mete out as many as 24 strokes of the cane for such offenses as drug trafficking and armed robbery. This means that a slightly lesser offense, like believing that Steven Jackson would be a viable fantasy RB1 in 2014, should be punishable by about 20 strokes, by our estimation. If you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking, “Okay, this sounds like something I might want to bring up to the guys, but what if we’re caning someone and they pass out or something? That’d be so dumb.” To assuage those concerns, we can again take a page from the Malaysian penal code, which says that each stroke left to go should translate to about six months in prison. Since it’s probably impossible to get one of your friends thrown in a cell in Kuala Lumpur on a lark, unless you have the right connections, a good Plan B might be to throw the last-place finisher into a cave or Florida or something for a while.
Ruin Their Lives Using Technology: In this digital age, it’s never been easier for your disgusting personal opinions and actions to get you fired or cast aside by important people in your life. Even if you don’t actually do or feel any things of this nature, someone with your Twitter password and access to your phone sure as hell can make it look that way. If someone drafted a kicker earlier than makes sense in your live draft, then chances are they deserve to lose their livelihood, is how we think about it. Some popular ways of making this happen include the following:
- Text pictures of random female/male (whichever is worse) butts to their romantic partner (if applicable)
- Text their boss “I’m going to fake sick on Monday in the wake of the post-party of the Satanic dark mass on Sunday and my idiot boss will believe me”
- Go on a Twitter diatribe using their handle in which you claim that not only was the JFK assassination was a conspiracy, but their boss did it and is a reptilian with ties to the Illuminati
Arson: Speaking of fire, did your running backs fail to produce this year? Did your risky gambits at quarterback and wide receiver fail to pan out? How about nine of your closest friends come to your home and burn one of your most valuable possessions! More soft implementations of this method see a shed or doghouse incinerated, but real football fans actually have some courage and opt to torch family SUVs or even entire homes, if the margin of defeat is sufficient.
Season 9 of “Scrubs”: Did you know that they made a ninth season of Scrubs which focused on a bunch of new people instead of Zach Braff and his friends? Sounds pretty lame. Make the loser of your league watch it all in one sitting. Reserve for only most severe cases.