Tennis Is Way More Awesome Than I Thought

Tennis is a game of dorks, right? Wrong, meathead. It’s the toughest sport there is. Why? Because it’s mobbed up and fixed, like all sports were back in the good ol’ days. Corrupt players getting paid off by Italian and Russian gambling syndicates is way more badass than anything going on in the UFC. Here’s the only problem: BuzzFeed is ratting everyone out.

The report that has been released by BuzzFeed and the BBC has revealed how awesome the sport is, but now tennis’ chaperones are trying to put an end to the fun. Just like the kid that had to go yelling in class that Santa’s not real. The only reason he found out was that his parents were broke. That’s right, children. There is no real Grand Slam Champion other than the mobsters who made a bagful of euros or pounds or whatever they use for money over there in tennis land.

It’s much more fun to watch someone lose on purpose to avoid getting killed by the mafia than it is to watch someone try to win. You want low-stakes tennis, drive by your local middle school on a spring day and watch those little losers swat at balls on poorly maintained courts with grass growing out of the cracks. Purest game of tennis there is. When the cops pull up to ask why you are watching children play, just tell them that you need to see a “real” game of tennis. Sometime after you’ve called a friend to bail you out of jail, you’ll come to realize that you’re an idiot, and pros are pros, even if they’re looking to make some extra cash by taking a dive.

Now that this is public information, let’s just let it be. When sports are fixed, it means they’re more enjoyable for everyone. (Except the suckers who bet without a good tip. Those losers will always be giving their money away to somebody. The rush of losing their daughter’s college tuition is what they live for.)

Here are some more reasons why tennis is better when it’s fixed:

Big Surprises: Anything can happen when the outcome is predetermined! Even a top player can lose to some out-of-nowhere scrub. We all love a good Cinderella story. You ever watch real wrestling? Like the kind in Foxcatcher? Zzzzzzzz. Boring. Compare that to WWE, which is action-packed because it’s choreographed.

Lower Ticket Prices: If the players aren’t getting paid extra money from gambling syndicates, where do you think they are going to get it? From the fans, of course. The players need more money…ticket prices go up. I learned that in Econ 101 at a very well-respected community college.

Safe Matches: Mafia neighborhoods are the safest because other criminals know better than to mess with them. The Philadelphia Eagles need a jail in their stadium. British soccer hooligans beat the crap out of each other, Boston Red Sox fans are animals. Fans at tennis matches are quiet and respectful because there are mobsters who could whack them at any time.

Everyone Loves The Mob: The Godfather. Goodfellas. The Sopranos. We all love mob movies and TV shows. If we get rid of all organized crime activity, what will the future of mafia movies be? The Great Wimbledon Scandal is this generation’s Lufthansa heist.

A Lesson for Children: Don’t gamble, kids. It’s that simple. If you don’t gamble on tennis, you don’t lose any money. If you are going to gamble on sports, stick to ones that aren’t corrupt, like boxing.

Thank you, BuzzFeed. We could not go on living in a world where tennis was not as corrupt as everything else.

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Chris Laker is a comedian who’s trying to find ways to bring gambling to open mics. You should follow him on Twitter.

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