It’s been six months since the Denver Broncos won “Super Bowl 50: The L,” as it has become known. Denver did not stop with football supremacy. Their victory led to political upheaval the likes of which the world had never before seen. While it may be too late for me, my generation, or my children, one day perhaps my children’s children’s pets will have a chance at a better life.
Below is how the Bronco Revolution, Piece (of pizza) Be Upon It, happened:
1.) The Department of Defense experiences immediate and decimating budget cuts, much to the teeth-gnashing lament of candidate Marco Rubio. Our defense coffers go from $601 billion to just $15.3 million, the combined yearly salaries of Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware. This 99.998 percent savings is an instant boon to to badly underfunded areas of the government, like bridge infrastructure, and research on wise-cracking, mystery-solving dogs.
2.) Security lines at airports get shorter, but only because a video loop of Miller and Ware glaring at passengers is played in every airport, dissuading would-be terrorists from trying something. Men of weak constitutions void their bowels, and janitorial costs rise, but only marginally.
3.) Drone warfare condemned as morally dubious, frightfully impersonal, and unnecessarily costly. In this same vein, all SEAL teams are disbanded, and Miller and Ware are instead dropped into hostile situations themselves. Within a month, ISIS, the New England Patriots of radical militancy, are defeated. Six weeks after that, North Korea has opened its borders and undergone a coup, offering absolutely no response to Miller and Ware’s Demilitarized Zone Blitz. By the time the first year comes to a close, not a single global tyrant has gone unconcussed, and the world sees a spike in fascist dictators hiring All-Pro left tackles for protection. D’Brickashaw Ferguson is named a Ugandan general.
4.) Campaign finance is drastically altered. Gone are the days of unlimited near-anonymous donations to Super PACs. Influence is still wielded, but in a manner that is more visible to the general public. Hedge-fund managers and corporate lobbyists are out, and instead, Von Miller and Demarcus Ware stand outside every voting booth lifting weights aggressively. Their grunts and screams are the only campaigning allowed. Also, they are the only candidates. A decades-long period of political stability begins.
5.) Peyton Manning is named Most Valuable President, a position from which he immediately retires, making Brock Osweiler president. Osweiler climbs the stage to address the American public, trips, and drops the nuclear football, which is immediately intercepted by Chinese spies and returned for six Communist Party points (redeemable anywhere communism is sold).
6.) Gun control takes a sharp and decisive turn. “Everyone has to wear sleeves,” Secretary Owen Daniels decrees. Constitutional rights take a further hit as unwarranted searches and seizures are renamed “turnovers,” and actively encouraged. Protections against self-incrimination are replaced with mandatory press conferences.
7.) Some good arises, though. Marijuana is instantly and categorically legalized. The FDA food pyramid is replaced with The Inverted Pizza Slice Brought To You By Papa John’s™. Both deliciousness and obesity soar.
8.) Finally, and perhaps most strikingly, the ethnic makeup of the federal government changes. Whites now make up a minority of government employees. The number of lunches catered by Panera drops sharply, and the hold music for all offices is standardized to Rich Homie Quan. These are regarded as the most significant advances in American bureaucratic efficiency since exasperated shouting was replaced by the mail.
Jason Rogers is a faceless drone in the Department of Goal Line Security. You should follow him on Twitter.