The Alien Sequels by Famous Directors That We’ll Never See

Everyone knows how filmmaker-driven the Alien franchise has been. Yes, even your Aunt Beth knows this. The series started the careers of Hollywood mainstays Ridley Scott, James Cameron, and David Fincher, besides giving French wunderkind Jean-Pierre Jeunet a shot at a big-budget blockbuster. Most astonishing of all is the fact that the genius Paul Anderson directed Alien Vs Preda– sorry, never mind, that was the other one. Still, the Aliens have one heck of a track record. Now that Ridley Scott claims to be exclusively directing the series from now on, I fired up the ol’ Alternate Universe Projector (patent pending) to get a look at the other Alien sequels made by auteurs that we’ve missed out on. Here are but a few:

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The Coen Brothers’ What’s Inside Llewyn Davis

A struggling folk artist wanders New York City in the 60s, dying to let what’s in his heart burst out of him.

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Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eighth Passenger

70mm film really brings out the vibrant colors of this gritty Western tale featuring a bounty hunter, a female prisoner, several secret criminals, and a Xenomorph trapped on a stagecoach.

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Richard Linklater’s Alienhood 

Shot over the course of 12 years, we watch in real time as a Xeno nest goes from egg, to drone, to Queen, and marvel at how their victims change along with them.

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Damien Chazelle’s Ahh! AHHH! Land

A throwback to old Hollywood musicals that centers around the doomed relationship between an aspiring actress and an acid-drooling starbeast, who learned to play piano for the role!

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Stanley Kubrick’s Proboscis Wide Shut 

After learning that its host has been unfaithful, a face-hugger wanders the cold NYC streets, ending up at a ritualistic orgy.

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Martin Scorsese’s The Queen Alien of Comedy 

An aspiring comedian attempts to gain success by stalking her idol. And everybody else, really.

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Woody Allen’s Starbeast Memories 

A filmmaker attends a retrospective of his work, remembering the harrowing encounter with the hellish Alien that inspired his films.

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Wes Anderson’s Rush, More! 

A precocious 15-year-old becomes infatuated with his private-school teacher, but then finds himself competing for her affections against his only friend, a Xenomorph. The Alien wins.

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Tim Burton’s Alien in Wonderland 

Adapted from the classic story by Lewis Carroll, Burton’s Alien finds itself in a magical land where it can stalk and eat a variety of exotic treats, including a vanishing cat, a neurotic rabbit, and Johnny Depp.

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Clint Eastwood’s Acid Blood Work 

A retired FBI profiler discovers that the clues to the identity of a serial killer lie in a Xeno’s blood. Unfortunately, the blood proves difficult to handle.

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Spike Jonze’s Breeding John Malkovich 

In this quirky indie, a face-hugger finds a secret portal whereby it can enter famous actor John Malkovich. Spoiler: it’s his mouth.

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Guillermo del Toro’s The Alien’s Backbones 

Set during the Spanish Civil War, an orphanage is besieged by poverty, thieves, and an Alien. The real horror may be war, but it’s also the Alien. Mostly the Alien.

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Werner Herzog’s Bad Xenomorph: Port of Call New Orleans 

A perfect killing organism investigates crimes, when he’s not gambling or taking drugs. Nicolas Cage gives a riveting performance as the Alien.

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Steven Spielberg’s E.T. : The Extra-Terrestrial 

The same movie, but with a much happier ending: the “extra-terrestrial” decides to stay this time! Oh. It’s happier for the Alien, anyway. Sorry.

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Bill Bria lives in New York City, where everyone can hear you scream.