The Devil’s Sports Dictionary (Abridged)

With apologies to Ambrose Bierce. arena (n.) - a palatial structure beloved in part for its displays of human athleticism, but mostly for its $5 Dasani boo (v.) - a low braying noise one makes when one is unable to play any sport skillfully Canseco (v.) - to err egregiously "I can't watch the Little League World Series, because those kids Canseco even the easiest popups." draft pick (n.) - a form of currency that is often thought to be worth one Peyton Manning, but is more often worth one Cade McNown ESPY (n.) - a statuette proudly displayed by an athlete in his or her wastebasket Formula I (n.) - a fictitious auto-racing league popularized in the 2006 film Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby gritty (adj.) - light-skinned, in commentator parlance hockey (n.) -  a sport that has been used to determine the Canadian Prime Minister since the early 20th century. Played almost entirely by gritty athletes. See also: frozen soccer iPhone (n.) - a portable audiovisual device frequently taken to New York Knicks games, so as to make them entertaining JR Smith (n.) - NBA three-point specialist, and 48th President of the United States "JR Smith will go down as the greatest basketball player of a generation." - JR Smith K-Zone (n.) - a subversive whistleblower who is #1 on the World Umpires Association's most-wanted list legend (n.) - any athlete who has sustained an above-average level of performance in his or her sport for at least one week marry (v.) - to formally adopt a life partner based on compatibility of preferred sports teams nascent (adj.) - newly born "The United States' nascent interest in women's soccer has an estimated life expectancy of three weeks." Orlando Magic (n.) - a professional basketball franchise designed to entertain tourists between trips to tee-shirt shops and Outback Steakhouse punter (n.) regional slang meaning either an overpaid layabout with nothing to contribute (in Boston), or a toilsome laborer who must continually clean up others' messes with little recognition or financial benefit (in Jacksonville) Ray Rice (n.) - Star of 2014's most widely seen and controversial cinema verite film streaky (adj.) - a word used by commentators to describe an athlete when said commentators do not know any other words that could be used to describe that athlete. See also: mentally tough, explosive time out (n.) - a period during which an athletic competition is suspended, and important topics, such as strategy, substitution, and favorite "Empire" episodes, are discussed utilityman (n.) - a baseball roster position filled by former batboys who begged their way onto the team Vinsanity (n.) - a brief period at the turn of the 21st century, during which people watched Canadian basketball and thought Sugar Ray was a great band Washington Nationals (n.) - a professional president-racing franchise that also plays baseball occasionally XFL (n.) - a professional football league, known most prominently as the home of "America's Team," the Memphis Maniax young guy (n.) - any athlete who started his or her professional career during one's lifetime "That Peyton Manning, I remember when he got drafted. He's still a young guy. That wasn't too long ago." Zimbabwe (n.) - a country whose expectations for every international sporting event are "we're just happy to be playing"

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