The Lost Versus

Movie audiences love great action, and they love it more when they care about the characters. From Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman to Batman v Superman to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, the overpriced-popcorn-loving set rush to the local cinema to watch what goes down when two classics come together to settle the most important question mankind has ever asked: Who would win in a fight?

Still, Hollywood has missed out on more than a few solid gold opportunities for classic combinations. Here, for your imaginative pleasure, are just a few of what I like to call “Lost Versus”…


The Fighter vs. The Wrestler

Mickey “The Fighter” Ward finds his brother Dicky has gone back to his crack-smoking ways and vows to find and beat the people responsible! Meanwhile, the corpse of Randy “The Ram” Robinson, who died in the ring, has been taken by the biggest crack dealer in Philly and turned into a cyborg bodyguard. It’s the ultimate fight between the boxer with a big heart and the wrestler with the exploded heart!


The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel vs. The Grand Budapest Hotel

Business has been slow at the Grand Budapest Hotel for a while, and Monsieur Gustave is pretty sure he knows why: all the old women are going to the Exotic Marigold Hotel, which everyone seems to agree is the best. Gustave and his trusty pal Zero Moustafa sneak into the Exotic Marigold Hotel to learn its secrets, but when Douglas Ainslie is found dead in his room, they become the primary suspects! Can Monsieur Gustave and Zero Moustafa find the real killer before it’s too late?


Ghostbusters vs. Casper

Kat Harvey has continued the family business of ghost therapy with the help of her pal Casper the Friendly Ghost, but her latest case is unlike anything she’s ever had to deal with before — an evil spirit haunting a hotel in New York. During the investigation, a demon possesses Kat and uses her standing in the paranormal community to destroy the reputation of the most famous spook fighters in the world, the Ghostbusters! Can the Ghostbusters defeat the demon and save Kat or will Casper lose his only friend? We’ll never know because this movie will never get made!


Insidious vs. The Conjuring

James Wan combines his two spooky franchises as Ed and Lorraine Warren are called in to help defeat the Bride in Black. Ed and Lorraine are in for their toughest case ever, with lots of crazy scares and Patrick Wilson playing two characters when Ed Warren enters the Further and finds Josh Lambert trapped there! Can the Warrens, with the help of the ghost of Elise Rainer, stop the Bride in Black for good? Whatever happens, audiences would be in for a scary good time!


Speed Racer vs. The Fast and the Furious

When Spritle Racer is taken hostage by Captain Terror from the Car Acrobatic Team, Speed and Racer X will do anything to save their little brother — they’ll even rob the world’s largest banks! US agent Frank Petty calls on the greatest drivers he knows, the Fast and Furious crew, to take down these flashy bank-robbing racers by any means necessary. Imagine the fights! Vin Diesel fighting John Goodman alone will bring in audiences!


007 vs. MacGruber

When a mission takes James Bond to the United States, the president demands that the best US agent take part in the mission. Bond and MacGruber’s styles don’t exactly mesh, but there are certain things they agree on, like stopping bad guys and using crazy gadgets. When it becomes clear that Bond’s mission is to take down MacGruber’s old friend Col. Jim Faith, the two protectors of all things good find themselves at odds!


The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou vs. Jaws

When Amity Island finds itself the victim of a killer shark once again, they call in the greatest shark hunter of all time, Steve Zissou. Angry that Amity called in his rival, Alistair Hennessey looks to foil Team Zissou and catch the shark himself. Meanwhile, Steve Zissou’s right-hand man Klaus Daimler is jealous of the time Steve is spending with retired oceanographer Matt Hooper and plans to prove himself to Steve by catching the shark himself!


The Talented Mr. Ripley vs. The Incredible Mr. Limpet

When we last saw Tom Ripley, he was on a cruise ship killing the love of his life to keep his secret safe. We find him again, still on the ship, looking for a chance to toss Peter off the side while everyone is asleep. As the ship sails through the night, Tom pushes Peter’s body off the side and into the ocean. Crying, Tom returns to his cabin. In the morning, he wakes to a great deal of confusion — a talking fish named Mr. Limpet has brought the body of Peter back to the ship, and he saw the person who tossed the body off the side! Tom knows what he has to do; not only must he kill the incredible talking fish, he must take Mr. Limpet’s place! After all, Tom Ripley always thought it’d be better to be a fake fish than a real nobody.


Stranger Than Fiction vs. The Strangers

It’s been over a decade since Karen Eiffel’s last hit and her publisher is pissed, but since she learned that her character Harold Crick came to life she just can’t bring herself to write anything dramatic, fearing that she’ll hurt others. Late one night, drunk and looking to release her anger, Eiffel decides to write a new chapter in Crick’s life: the night his home was invaded by three masked killers. Can Harold and Ana survive the new dangerous story that Eiffel has put them in, or will these masked strangers succeed in murdering the quirky and lovable couple?


Gone Girl vs. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

With each of them living in different states now, the four women who once used a magical pair of pants to stay close during their first summer apart decide to start sharing the pants again. When the pants are accidentally left at Carmen’s neighbor’s house by the UPS guy, they go missing. Carmen’s neighbor, Amy Elliott Dunne, denies having them, but when Carmen sees Amy wearing the pants, the Sisterhood comes together to get them back. Feeling the heat, Amy takes off on a cross-country journey with the pants, the Sisterhood close behind!

Derek Faraci vs. Farmington Hills, Mich.