Friends. How many of us have them? I don’t know about you, but I love friends! You can walk with friends, you can talk with friends, heck, you can even watch The Big Game with some friends. While I was watching The Big Game last week, I saw a commercial for pizza starring four friends. They were having the time of their lives, talking about football and pocket change and pizza. Boy, I wish they were my friends! I’d be lucky to have even one of them be my friend. If I had to choose, here’s how I’d decide:
4. Big Strong Friend: He can do a lot for you. He’s got really big arms that make him a really strong friend! That can come in handy if you need to lift things or fight bullies. Also, this friend reminds me of the friends from Varsity Blues. That’s my favorite movie. I think Big Strong Friend is a football man because of his shirt. That’s good because football is popular and if you’re popular you have more friends. Only problem is I think he’d be too popular. And then he wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.
3. Old Man Dad Friend: This friend reminds me of dads. Not my dad, I never knew him. But the dads of my friends. Sometimes, they let me call them by their first name. That’s how I knew they were more than a dad. This dad seems funny. He has pants with lots of pockets and inside the pockets is change! Sometimes on my birthday, the dads of my friends would take me to Shakey’s and give me quarters to play arcade games. I sure wish I had some Shakey’s now but I guess Papa John’s will do. Even though it hurt my stomach the last time I ate it and I vomited and grandpa got mad at me. Old Man Dad Friend would take care of me. I hope.
2. Confused Friend: A goofy friend for me! He reminds me of me in that people say I look confused all the time. My grandpa use to call me perturbed. Is that the same thing? Anyhow, I like this friend because he talks funny and has a towel tucked into the front of his pants. Uh-oh! Sometimes I leave the restaurant and forget to remove the napkin tucked into my shirt so I don’t get any pizza on my shirt. This friend talks in a slow drawl just like me and I like that. I don’t own an orange football shirt though. If he gives me an orange football shirt, then that would be good. But without that shirt, he is my #2 friend.
1. Pizza Friend: Wow! What a friend! He always has pizza for you and seems very trustworthy to me. I like his funny mouth and long neck. He looks like a Brontosaurus. A dinosaur as a friend? Sure, why not?! Just kidding. He is a human man. But he doesn’t just have pizza. He has an apron. No more leaving Shakey’s with the napkin tucked into my shirt for me! I just know Pizza Friend would be the friend for me. In other commercials, he even brings pizza to your house during The Big Game and rings the bell ding dong. It’s the same Papa John’s pizza that makes my tummy hurt but that’s OK because Pizza Friend is there for you when you need him. It’s like what my grandpa always told me: “Take off your fucking shoes when you enter the house, Goddammit!”
Pablo Goldstein is a writer from Los Angeles. You should follow him on Twitter.