Throughout all of last week, your regularly scheduled sports programming was interrupted as basketball fans and the news media gnashed their teeth over the fact that an almost-dead man with a decades-long history of racial discrimination was caught on tape saying racist things. A shocking turn of events, I grant you! But while everyone debated whether Sterling’s comments meant that he surpassed Donald Trump for the title of Worst Donald, the sports world kept turning. Unfortunately, there are only so many cameras and microphones to go around, and with most of them trained on a reptilian NBA owner and his associates, many of the week’s greatest sporting feats were missed. Don’t worry, though; thanks to our ample financial resources and global network of correspondents, we have the privilege of helping you fill in the gaps.
Monday, April 28: Homer Bailey pitched a perfect game
On the hallowed grounds of [LOOK UP NAME OF CINCINNATI’S STADIUM AND PUT IT IN HERE. DON’T FORGET!], Homer Bailey transitioned from being the worst pitcher ever to throw two no-hitters to being the worst pitcher ever to throw three. Right around the time Stephen A. Smith broke the story that the “V” in V. Stiviano stands for “Vernacular,” Bailey struck out all 27 batters he faced in 81 pitches, an unparalleled accomplishment that Reds fans absorbed for a few minutes when they weren’t listening to the Sterling tape on their iPhones. Bailey also hit for the cycle, stole three bases, and trapped a raccoon that was loose on the field. When asked about his pitcher’s performance, Reds manager Dusty Baker’s Successor ignored the question and continued searching the clubhouse for hidden recording devices.
Tuesday, April 29: Some guy died
Tuesday morning, sports fans were saddened to learn that a man who was in his 80s or 90s, and who was influential in football, baseball, basketball, or hockey, passed away peacefully or suddenly in his United States home. The deceased former player or coach was a celebrated philanthropist and humanitarian, whose work helped to combat poverty, cancer, or foodborne illnesses. Reporters were unable to nail down the details of the story, as they were attending the NBA’s press conference, in which Commissioner Adam Silver announced that a sun-ripened sack of crap wasn’t allowed to play on his playground anymore. We hope that the dead guy, whose generosity touched the lives of millions, will rest in peace, whoever he is.
Wednesday, April 30: Brett Favre unretired again
Just a few years ago, the quarterback had reporters camped out on the lawn of his home in Mississippi. But on the day of Favre’s third comeback, the media circus was in the midst of a week-long engagement in Los Angeles, and the 44-year-old quietly inked a two-year deal with the Cleveland Browns. He is expected to compete with Vince Young for the starting job in Cleveland, a fact that was obliquely referenced on ESPN when Trey Wingo was given five seconds of airtime to mutter something about a journeyman quarterback from Southern Miss. The network then continued to seek reactions to Donald Sterling’s lifetime ban, interviewing such basketball luminaries as Adam Morrison, Joe the Plumber, and a guy on the street in a Keith Van Horn jersey.
Friday, May 2: Yasiel Puig nearly killed Glen Perkins
In the ninth inning of Thursday night’s game, LA’s Cuban slugger caused a missile crisis with lefthander Glen Perkins on the mound for the Twins. Puig sent a line drive screaming through Perkins’ chest. The ball exited through the pitcher’s back, sending a bloody mess onto the field, but second baseman Brian Dozier kept his composure and threw to first for the out. Perkins was motionless on the ground for several minutes, but trainers quickly determined that the ball missed his heart, and he was taken off on a stretcher after a nearly 30-minute delay. Perkins’ exploding chest went unnoticed by all but those at the stadium; sports journalists spent the day fixated on a different body part: Donald Sterling’s 80-year-old cancerous prostate. Producers worked late into the night repackaging their reports on Sterling’s racism into tear-jerking tales of a brave man’s fight to beat the odds.