USA Women’s Hockey Defeats Dumb Canadian Team

KAMLOOPS, BC – There’s still one area in which United States health care is outperforming its Canadian counterpart, and that’s mental health. Canadians have descended into a collective depression over the past few days after USA Hockey defeated Canada 1-0 in overtime to win the gold medal at the 2016 IIHF Women’s World Championship on Tuesday.

Alex Carpenter broke the scoreless tie in the extra frame for the USA, stuffing the vulcanized rubber medallion past goalie Emerance Maschmeyer to bring home the Canadian bacon for the Americans.

“I knew if I could get into the crease, I’d have a shot,” Carpenter said. “They’re too polite to ask me to leave, and their border is pretty porous.” Despite the scoreless tie through 60 minutes, the American forward knew stick-to-it-iveness was the key. “It’s like running syrup through a sieve; it may take a while, but they payoff is sweet.”

“Syrup Through A Sieve” was the motto of the Canadian team throughout the 2016 tournament; they even had it printed on t-shirts with their slogan: “Sticky Hands Mean Maple Magic.”

“I thought it was dumb motto,” Canadian forward Marie Philip-Poulin said afterward. “Who filters syrup? What kind of sieve does it need? Can you even reuse a sieve after that?” The Team Canada captain shook her head. “It makes about as much sense as losing to the Americans in hockey for the third straight year.” Then the inconsolable sobbing began.

Indeed, this victory comes as no surprise to the Americans themselves, who have won six of the last seven IIHF World Championships, all at the expense of Team Canada.

“The way I see it,” American goaltender Alex Rigsby spat, packing a new lip of Grizzly Wintergreen and adjusting her phantom cup, “We’re the big bad bull moose on the block. We’re the alpha beavers.”

The coaching staff shared the sentiment.

“It’s Canada,” Team USA head coach Ken Klee opined, cracking open a Bud Heavy with visible relish and satisfaction. “What do you want me to do, gameplan for a mutually advantageous trade agreement? This is hockey, and when it comes to USA-Canada, they’re going to bring their Mounties, and we’re going to bring the ATF.” Klee grinned and passed gas loudly. “That stands for ‘the Bureau of Ass-Kickin’, Takin’ Names, and Fartin’.” The locker room then erupted in raucous cheers as the players picked up Klee and carried him around on their shoulders.

The mood was far more somber in the Canadian locker room.

“It’s like,” Canadian forward Meghan Agosta struggled. “It’s like, come on, guys. There are no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs; there’s no baseball team in Montreal; the [Toronto] Raptors’ biggest fan is freakin’ Drake. Women’s hockey was our shot,” Agosta sighed, “and the Americans took it, and chased it with a freakin’ lime.”

Asked for comment, American goal-scorer Carpenter belched and replied, “Do they chase Crown Royal with lime?” before she was mobbed with high-fives from her teammates.

The two teams will presumably meet again next year, when the tournament is scheduled to be held in Plymouth, MI, a suburb of Detroit.

“Detroit?” Philip-Poulin wailed upon hearing. “Either way, we’ve already lost!”

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Jason Rogers is a humorist and hockey writer. You should follow him on Twitter.

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