There once was a time when sportscasters and sportswriters could answer the important questions of the day, when these great men (of invariably identical pigmentation) could roll up their tweed jackets and get down to brass tacks, when they could finally–once and for all–put a pin in the yapping maw of the unassailable question: “Who’s Now?”
Times have changed, however. In this post-Benghazi world, there’s nothing to answer beyond the bare essentials. Opinions must be concise, direct, unequivocal. Regrettably, debate can no longer be embraced.
With that in mind, we at Crooked Scoreboard hope to provide a useful service with our tracker for the day: “What’s Now?” In these turbulent times, it may no longer be evident to fans whether the sports year of 2015 is still Now, and whether it is still topical to talk about Chip Kelly ruining his team in a swift 12 months and immediately getting the boot out of town like a complete jackass. So we’ve made it easy on you: by clicking the “What’s Now?” button below, you’ll immediately receive an algorithmic, data-driven response as to whether 2015 or 2016 is currently Now.
Answering this question is of the utmost importance for sports fans; at midnight tonight, we’ll have moved from late December 2015 to early January 2016. And we all know how the PSA goes: once it’s no longer 2015, 2015 is no longer Now.*
To be clear, 2015’s Now-ness will still be valid up through 11:59:59 PM. After that point, though, no more discussion on Klay Thompson’s 37-point quarter or that time LeBron literally exposed himself on national television will be appropriate. These conversations may happen, sure, but they will be roundly inconsequential.
No, ‘tis best to steer clear of non-Now banter as the calendar year changes. While we’ll make pledges to have more mindfulness in 2016 (after all, meditation is nothing more than committing to spending time in the Now), it is one thing to make a pledge and quite another to act upon it. As a society, we are only as strong as our weakest links. So from midnight onward, we need to work together and promise to not mention how egregiously the Seahawks blew the Super Bowl, or how awesome Jose Bautista’s bat flip was. Because post-midnight, those things will be…Then.
But fear not! Plenty of great topics of Now-ness will open up in 2016–starting next Monday, feel free to bring up any of the below items to keep your water cooler chatter relevant for 2016 (spoilers abound!):
- Riley Curry taking advantage of James Harden’s lax transition defense to score a quick eight points
- Johnny Manziel purchasing a brothel and slowly managing it out of the red
- Rudy admitting that he was offsides
- Mark Jackson openly crying during a national TV broadcast
- Philip Rivers siring yet again
- The MLS giving up
- American Pharoah knifing Serena Williams
It looks like 2016 should be a good year, very worthy of placement on the Mount Rushmore of the Most Recent Four Years in Sports (which we’re also in the process of constructing). Anyway, before we go, here’s a quick reminder to minimize your confusion: starting at midnight tonight, 2016 isn’t just a New Year…it’s a Now Year.
Please, for the love of Christ, share this PSA.
*Do you already hate yourself for reading this? Imagine how I felt in 2007 when I was subjected to the Who’s Now phenomenon. Do you know what happens in the summer in Maine? Nothing. Well, there’s baseball, which is worse than nothing. I was helpless, a kid in an ennui ocean trying to salvage himself with a lifejacket of neutered corporate groupthink. I lost hours of my life to this travesty, and I still distinctly remember being pissed when LeBron made the finals.
Point is, if you’re looking for an apology, don’t look here. This is my therapy.
(Image: oatawa / Shutterstock)