$82,000: A Tale of Extravagance


This article on Chris Christie’s spending habits at MetLife stadium brought back fond memories of the time I spent $82,000 at Camden Yards.

$10,000: I walked into the stadium feeling festive. I had dollar-dollar bills in my pocket (and in my briefcase). I was just so excited for the Orioles’ Mid-Atlantic brand of baseball that I decided to make it rain.

$10,012: Making it rain made me thirsty, so I bought myself two beers.

$15,012: I had to pee. The ladies’ line was ridiculous. It was an emergency. I only had one option. I gave $5,000 to the boy running the hot-dog stand and announced, “Free hot dogs for the next 15 minutes!” The people who didn’t need to go that badly (almost everyone, since the game hadn’t started yet), ran out of the line to claim their free food.

$30,012: I sat down in my seat and my nose started bleeding. The players on the field looked like ants. I was annoyed until I remembered my briefcase of cash (my pockets were empty at this point). I approached a family sitting behind home plate and bought their seats.

$36,012: There were some whiny kids around me. I tried to pay their families to leave the game, but they refused. Thinking quickly, I hired a clown, the kind that makes balloon animals, and had him meet me in my section to entertain kids who were compromising my game experience.

$51,012: The game was going well, and I wanted to thank the players for their hard work. What better way to say “thank you” than a box of Harry and David pears? The total wasn’t $15,000, but since I don’t use credit cards, I had to pay the guy next to me to place the order. I tipped him.

$72,000: I had to go to the bathroom (again). My briefcase was awfully heavy, and I didn’t want to leave it behind, so I scattered a trail of money as I ran off to the restroom.

$82,000: I got worried about traffic on the way home, especially in the Fort McHenry tunnel. I got in touch with some of my political connections,and used the rest of the money to meet my bribing needs. Sure enough, the mayor of Baltimore closed the tunnel to everyone but me.