Hey, remember us? We were the guys hyping you up on the sidelines after sidewinder dunks. Hitting home runs while you hit threes. Capturing America’s hearts with our feigned heart attacks. But then that stomach thing hit the whole roster (please, no more team dinners at Long John Silver’s), and we’ve seen Coach Rice looking to the “depth” of our bench for help. As a result, we’re going to be doing a lot more playing and a lot less reacting. That’s unfortunate, but you can help us make the best of a bad situation by picking up where we left off.
No doubt you all saw the disappointment in Tyler’s eyes when Coach Rice put him in the game versus Iona. Tyler loves to play basketball, just like we all do, but do you know what he loves even more? Pre-halftime Kid ‘n Play dances. Tyler is the only one who can do the routine with Louie. Daniel hasn’t even seen House Party yet. Clearly, Greg is still too injured to hold the leg lock. We really need some reinforcements here.
It’s going to take some work. Yes, that means you’ll have to practice outside of practice. A 30-second timeout doesn’t give us enough time to teach you the lift scene from Dirty Dancing; the four of us spent two hours working on it outside the MAC. Plus, you can’t do the lift without Daniel. He’s the lightest guy on the team.
We know this is the last thing you want to be doing right now—as the devil plays Double Dutch with your small intestines—but we have to keep this bench hot. If we don’t, all of the out-of-conference goodwill we’ve built up could disappear at the hands of our MAAC rivals. Trust us, the Bracketology types won’t respond favorably if we get out-benched by Quinnipiac. If you don’t deliver, we’ll be playing postseason ball in the NIT, where there won’t even be any fans to pump up.
Fortunately, this time of crisis brings with it some opportunity. With more players on the bench, we finally have enough warm bodies for a Last Supper scene, which we’ve been hoping to debut ever since we voted Greg “Player Who Looks Most Like Jesus.” And before you ask, no, we haven’t decided which one of you gets to play Judas. At this point, it’s whoever is throwing up the least.
We’ve attached a link to a Google Calendar containing our rehearsal schedule. Looking forward to your cooperation in our time of need. And feel better soon, so we can get off the court, and back to the fun part.
Benched in your hearts and minds,
Greg Noack, Daniel Pillari, Louie Pillari, and Tyler Robinson
Natalie McGill is a comedian and writer who wants to play Judas. You should follow her on Twitter.