CDC Report: Mel Kiper Releases First 2015 Mock Draft


Dear Citizens,

By now you should be aware that, earlier this week, ESPN NFL analyst and public-health menace Mel Kiper Jr. released his first 2015 Mock Draft. While the panic that has resulted from this nefarious act is well-founded, the CDC must remind you not to be afraid. The world has survived similar attacks every year for over 20 years running, with minimal casualties. What follows is the internationally recognized protocol for handling such a threat.

The mock drafts have become increasingly truculent with each passing year, as they continue to be released earlier and earlier. It is imperative that those in the affected population (ESPN viewers in the continental United States, but especially those in areas close to Buffalo Wild Wings locations) stay indoors until the noxious fumes, caused by wild guessing and incomplete information, have time to clear. This usually takes about one week. However, there is a sizable risk that follow-up mock drafts will sustain the smell. It is also crucial that at-risk individuals cease all communication with those outside of the country and contain the spread of the disease by any means necessary. Fortunately, in past years, relatively few of the infected individuals had functioning social relationships through which to pass contagions.

Symptoms of mock draft exposure are potentially severe, but can be managed with the proper combination of diet and environmental cures. They include, but are not limited to: swelling of the hyperbolic nerve, speculatitis, cliche dependency, and Keyshawn Johnson grammar. In rare instances, patients have seen their vocabularies reduced to the following phrases: “blue chip,” “upside,” “coachability,” and “best player EVER AAAHRHRRHGGHGZMSJ!” Here are some clinically proven modes of treatment: deep breaths, C-SPAN, and reading this article

Citizens are warned that threats will persist until mid-April, but each successive mock draft will become less dangerous as things like corroborated reporting and evidence-based thinking are introduced in nominal amounts.

The CDC predicts the emergence of another threat on April 30, the first day of the 2015 NFL Draft. Citizens are implored to avoid such damaging biological agents as draft grades, war room footage, and Chris Berman. Those who experience the NFL Draft for longer than four hours (that is, roughly one round) should consult a doctor immediately. Watching the NFL Draft also carries a risk of Tim Tebow Analysis Disorder, a terminal illness from which no one has ever recovered.