It’s been a busy week in the world of daily fantasy sports, hasn’t it? The attorney general of New York has gone after two of the biggest companies in the industry. DraftKings and FanDuel are being told to cease operations in the state, because they are games of chance and not games of skill. Sucks to be them, I guess.
So while those two companies are embroiled in legal fights, at least one company has managed to avoid litigation. Crooked Scoreboard’s very own daily fantasy site FantasyWad is still around and better than ever. (You can read about our launch here.)
But how are we still around? Is it because we don’t have flashy commercials? Is it because we don’t actually do any business in the state of New York? Do we just have a really good legal team?
Truth is, FantasyWad is still around because, frankly, what we do is different. You have to put in real work to win our world-famous normal-sized checks. Our champions spend literal minutes looking at advanced statistics like “points scored” and “ESPN projections” to decide who’s the best pick. We’re grateful for the opportunity the prosecutors in New York have given us, so we’ve decided to take advantage of it by rolling out a new experience: FantasyWad: New York Edition!
FW:NY is a whole new fantasy experienced tailored to the intricacies of life in the Big Apple. We know that New Yorkers are a unique bunch. They’re basically a whole different species with their own language and everything. So we have four new features and leagues just for the NYC lifestyle:
1. Pizza Rat: After the subterranean human food-eating rodent became a viral hit, there was a massive buzz over who Pizza Rat (real name Travis McDonald) would sign endorsement deals with. We’re honored that he chose us to be his official daily fantasy site (Well, technically the deal was signed by his agent, who we found sleeping in the Port Authority bus terminal with the rat in his hands.) Every day, you can bet on all sorts of Pizza Rat-related things, like what kind of pizza he will eat, how many little poops he’ll poop out, what he thinks about the Trans-Pacific Partnership, and whether or not we’ll let him out of his cage. Nothing’s more New York than Pizza Rat, so no daily fantasy service is more New York than FantasyWad: New York Edition.
2) Kristaps Porzingis Mode
It’s early in the NBA season, but the Big Apple has already fallen in love with one of its city’s newest athletes. Borrowing the most popular (and only) feature of FantasyWad: Latvia, we allow players to compete in leagues where the only available player is New York Knicks rookie
Kristaps Porzingis. You score points for every rebound, assist, and putback dunk the big man from the Baltic gets. Whichever player has the most points wins! These leagues aren’t the most intricate from a scoring perspective, but everyone gets to follow their favorite player! It’s a great option for people who don’t want to worry about players in remote, rural areas like Chicago.
3) In-Person Selection
Too busy to pull out a laptop or a phone? Make your selections in person! Just come to Times Square, where one of our representatives will be hanging out 24 hours a day to take your hockey, basketball, football, bocce ball, or jai alai picks. Just keep an eye out for a man (or woman) wearing a knockoff Eli Manning costume. We’ll try to stick near the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant.
4) No-SWAT-team Guarantee
All across the city (yes, even in Staten Island), heavily-armed police units are kicking down the doors of people who use DraftKings and FanDuel. Guns and police can be very frightening to children, dogs, and exceedingly perceptive goldfish. Dozens of users of other daily fantasy sites are heading straight for therapy. But with FW:NY, we guarantee that SWAT teams will not be showing up at your apartment. We’ll save you hundreds in legal fees, psychiatrist bills, and door replacement costs.
So come visit us in Times Square and start playing today! If you can’t make it to our sidewalk location, just write the names of your favorite athletes on an index card, included a self-addressed stamped envelope and some money (no coins please), and send it to the following address:
FantasyWad: New York Edition
c/o Guy (or chick) in an Eli Manning Costume
Usually Hanging Out Near The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company
The Big Apple, NY 10036
We’re excited to provide a unique game of skill to the people of the city that never sleeps! Come play with us. Please. We’re lonely and Times Square is pretty cold. It’s just me and Travis here.
Raynell Cooper is a writer and the official scorer of Pizza Rat’s poops. You should follow him on Twitter.