How To Make a Crooked Scoreboard Mint Julep

The Kentucky Derby is known for its horses, its hats, Rob Gronkowski, and its trademark drink: the mint julep. The mint julep has been a part of the Derby experience since its first running back in 1734. Just drinking it makes you think about all the different ways you can whittle away your life savings. Here’s our twist on a Kentucky Classic, for you to sip on while you watch midgets abuse rich people’s property:

  • 4 oz. Yamazaki 12-Year Single Malt Whisky. I know scotch is more traditional for a real Kentucky julep, but I like the taste of Japanese whiskey (or “whisky”) a little more.
  • 2 lbs. raw cane sugar, harvested from those little packets at Starbucks. You’ve gotta be sneaky about it, but there’s something magical about the individual portions. And no, you can’t get them from Peet’s instead. Why would you even ask?
  • 5 lbs. mint. If you can’t afford that much mint, Orbit spearmint gum ground into a fine powder will work fine in a pinch.
  • 1 oz. of KFC’s 11 herbs and spices. Do I mean one ounce of spice mix, or one ounce of each spice? There’s so much mint it won’t matter.
  • 3 hairs from American Pharoah. If you can’t get your hands on his hair, any Triple Crown winner’s hair will do.
  • 1 lb. dry ice. Wet ice will spoil the mint.
  • 8 oz. Sauza Tequila. Because, duh.
  • A pot of decaf coffee from yesterday. It MUST be decaf. Do not try to make this with caffeinated coffee. There’s no time to explain.
  • A little dirt. Preferably from a horse-racing track, but some recipes call for dog track-dirt instead. Some recipes made by people with unrefined taste buds.

Pour the whiskey, tequila, sugar, coffee, and KFC spices into a race-worn Calvin Borel helmet, and mix with a whisk until your arm starts to feel a little numb. Move the mixture to a crockpot and add as much mint as will fit under the lid. Cook on low for two hours, then let cool for two hours. Add the rest of the mint and the dry ice.

Serve immediately in a pitcher, with the rim dipped in dirt and horse hairs. Serves one horse.


Raynell Cooper is a writer and mixologist who is not feeling so well. You should follow him on Twitter.