(Note: Distributed to Indy 500 Milk Security Guards on May 28 – One day before the race)
Congratulations on your selection to the procurement and security team for the Indianapolis 500 victory milk! You’re part of an elite crew, and your task is not to be taken lightly. We have a list of Frequently Asked Questions that should cover all inquiries regarding the holy whole, skim and 2% liquid of champions.
If Pippa Mann wins, should we provide strawberry milk? – If you want to be sexist, sure. If you want to keep your job, no. And before you argue that her car is pink, please remember who her sponsor is.
What if the winner is lactose intolerant? – Shove a ton of Lactaid down his or her throat and keep things moving. We need a clear shot of the winner taking that cold, frothy swig of victory. At the same time we can’t have anyone farting up a storm inside the post-race media tent.
If Simon Pagenaud or Sebastien Bourdain win, can we give them brie instead? – No. This gets asked every year. Just because they’re French doesn’t mean we give them cheese. You can label the milk “lait,” though.
Many Indiana farmers prefer raw milk. Should we provide that this year? – If the folks in corporate (PennGrade Motor Oil) want to bend to the will of farmers while crapping on the genius of Louis Pasteur, who are we to stand in the way? Just let the winner know to take a light sip–not a swig–of salmonella.
If Juan Pablo Montoya wins his second Indy 500, can I write “Hello, my name is Juan Pablo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die” on the milk if he wins? – We’ll actually fire you if you don’t do this.
Is it okay if I call Pippa Mann “Penelope Pitstop” when I hand over the milk? – Because we’re sure she’s never heard anyone call her that before, right? Also no. God no. Please don’t do that.
If the winner is a person of color, should we provide chocolate milk? – NO. WE DON’T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE PR NIGHTMARE SURROUNDING THAT.
But what if they request it? – ONLY if they request it. And if you have to buy chocolate milk, don’t get NesQuik. That is the Sunny Delight of flavored milk.
Can we buy almond milk? – If you can present us the magical almond-cow that produced that milk, yes. Otherwise, if it didn’t squirt out of something with udders, it has no business on the IndyCar circuit. If you insist on purchasing almond “milk” (or “almost milk”), you can deliver it to Will Power, since he almost won last year.
What about soy milk? – See answer to “Can we buy almond milk?” and substitute “almond” for “soy.”
What about rice milk? – See answer to “Can we buy almond milk?” and substitute “almond” for “rice.”
We hope this answers all of your questions and clears up any confusion about your responsibilities. Please make sure any milk distributed to the winner has been refrigerated prior to competition. Because if we see the winner make a “sour milk face” on air, you’re fired. Thank you in advance for your service and we’ll see you at the Speedway!
Natalie McGill is a writer and comedian who prefers hemp milk. Just kidding; she has tastebuds. You should follow her on Twitter.