Photo: Jennifer Lawrence (left) longingly looks on as her lover Jim Leyland (right) skillfully maneuvers his bat.
Months of speculation that rocked both Los Angeles and northeastern Ohio have finally given way to some clarity. Under fire from gossip reporters and paparazzi, Hunger Games megastar Jennifer Lawrence has gone public about her relationship with retired MLB manager Jim Leyland, who most recently helmed the Detroit Tigers in 2013. The lovebirds are currently weighing several celebrity-couple names, including “LawLand,” “Jimmifer,” and “JenLey JimJam.”
“It’s tough, because we’re doing the long-distance thing,” Lawrence said. “But we couldn’t be happier. We Skype every night before ‘On The Record with Greta Van Susteren’ comes on. There was a definite learning curve with the webcam, but now he gets his head in the shot almost every time!”
“I know people will talk about the age difference, but we have nothing to apologize for,” Lawrence remarked on the set of Hunger Games 5: Hungry Hungry Hippos. “I’ve learned so much about the unwritten rules of baseball. Did you know that if there’s one down in the inning, and you try to bunt on a left-handed pitcher whose last name starts with P, you get a tooth knocked out? He’s just a wealth of knowledge. And we’re always finishing each other sentences, mostly with “those pajamas they call ‘uniforms’ are so damn baggy!'”
Leyland will inevitably be compared to Lawrence’s previous suitors, including Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. “Chris is a sweet guy, but he doesn’t know anything about baseball,” Lawrence allegedly said at the Save The Children And Also The Adults Gala in West Hollywood last month. “He didn’t even know how many home runs Brandon Inge hit in the 2009 Home Run Derby. As they say in his country, ‘what a magnificent dolt!'”
Leyland had previously been romantically linked to cigars, fancy cashews, and “NCIS” (“but not that newfangled New Orleans crap!”) Reporters who attempted to reach him for comment were told to get off his lawn.
Dustin Petzold is a writer and an invited guest to the top-secret Leyland-Lawrence wedding. You should follow him on Twitter.