Loser of the Week: Maria Sharapova


There was once a girl named Maria
Who said, “Journalists, I must see ya”
Then in a hotel
They knew all was not well
But the problem? They had no idea.

Lately she hadn’t been winning
Her Grand Slam hopes slowly thinning
Things are so dire
She’s gonna retire
They thought, in the beginning.

She stepped to the mic wearing black
Then everyone heard her voice crack
“I was caught with a drug
For my stomach bug
But please oh please let me come back!”

Meldonium flowed through her blood
But the rules said that stuff was no good
“Our laws are quite clear:
You must sit for a year!
We don’t care if you ‘misunderstood.'”

“But I swear! I’m not so pathetic
I took meds ’cause I’m pre-diabetic!”
Then why do you sell
This candy from Hell?
I guess you’re not smart, just athletic.

Serena found it quite funny
Since her “rival” makes so much more money
Even though her success
Has always been less
“Enjoy your vacation, honey!”

The fans are too happy to speak
For a year spent without her loud shriek
We’ll see her again
But she surely has been
A really big Loser this week.


Dustin Petzold is the editor-in-chief and occasional Bad Poet Laureate of Crooked Scoreboard. You should follow Crooked Scoreboard on Twitter.

Nate Koehler is a cartoonist and illustrator who has never run afoul of the Artists Anti-Doping Agency. You should follow him on Twitter, too.