It was a rough week for Pablo Sandoval, but he could’ve taken home our as-yet-nonexistent Loser Of The Month award, too. The former San Francisco Giant and second-year Bostonian showed up to Red Sox Spring Training looking… well, whatever the opposite of svelte is. Svery fat. Things got worse this week when Travis Shaw was named the team’s starting third baseman, relegating Sandoval and his five-year, $95 million contract to the bench. Boston is fortunate to have Shaw, who performed well in limited at-bats last year and hit .339 in Grapefruit League play. But Sandoval has become so hapless at the plate and in the field that the team assembled a lengthy list of third-base alternatives. Here are some highlights from that list, as imagined by me, our resident Third Base Analyst:

• Acquire Josh Donaldson in exchange for Clay Buchholz and one of those cool St. Paddy’s Day green caps
• Aaron Boone
• Jose Offerman (declined when told he couldn’t bring a bat into the field)
• The guy who originated the “BAAAH BAAAH BAAAH” chant during “Sweet Caroline”
• The ghost of Ted Williams
• The ghost of Billy Dee Williams (expected arrival 2019)
• That one old lady who threw out the first pitch almost from the mound wow good job!!!
• Bobby Valentine, wearing a Pablo Sandoval disguise
• John Fogerty (“Look at me/I can be/Centerfield/But third base is cool too I guess!”)
• Brad Stevens

We look forward to seeing one of those men/women/supernatural spirits take the field when Travis Shaw mysteriously gains 50 pounds after following the dietary suggestions of a teammate.

***

Dustin Petzold is the editor-in-chief of Crooked Scoreboard. You should follow CSB on Twitter.

Nate Koehler is a cartoonist and illustrator who will be the lead animator on Kung Fu Panda 4. You should follow him on Twitter, too.