Man Verses Man: Poetry from the NFL

NFL players and coaches must endure the longest offseason of anyone in professional sports. In order to prevent boredom, mental stagnation, and offseason arrests, Commissioner Roger Goodell has instituted a selection of enrichment programs designed for personal growth. One of the program’s most popular offerings is Poetry for the Gridiron 101. Selections from the haiku unit, secretly obtained without the consent of the league or the authors, are below:

Awful Super Bowl
Seahawks defense haunts my dreams
Comfort? Papa John’s
                               -Peyton Manning

Bye, Carolina
Don’t know why you want me out
I can run with cane
                              -Steve Smith

I’m without a team
No one wants to let me start
Where’s my baseball glove?
                              -Brandon Weeden

Thanks for the new coach
He will raise our wins to four
Same shit, diff’rent pile
                            -Robert Griffin III

I made the right choice
Philly steaks were getting old
Give me barbecue
                          -Andy Reid

Why do I play here?
Bottled water costs five bucks
Stadium costs ten
                         -Matthew Stafford

I am not a thug
I am sorry that I yelled
Crabtree’s sorry, too
                        -Richard Sherman

This is stupid
Countin sillabulls is dum
                      -Richie Incognito

This is child’s play
Haiku’s but a novice form
Let’s read Dickinson
                      -Ryan Fitzpatrick

Haiku is the best
Because it is really short
Time to hit the bars
                      -Ben Roethlisberger