Ways to Increase Female Viewership of the NFL Draft

Lookin’ Good on Draft Night:
Fashion tips and a human-interest story on the tailor behind all of the good looks. One of the networks actually did this last year, and analysis suggests that at least 5 million of the current 45 million female NFL fans are on board solely because of this particular segment.

Hometown Nail Salons: Why should the guys and their suits get all the attention? The women at the draft deserve some coverage, too. Where do the moms, sisters, girlfriends, fiancees, and wives of future NFL players get their nails done?  What do they think of gel versus acrylic? Are they more into turquoise or cerulean? This segment would also increase Cover Girl Fanicure sales.

Nonviolent Things Happening in Elevators: Footage of NFL players and draftees being polite, considerate, and appropriate in elevators.  Featured behaviors may include chatting pleasantly, humming along with Kenny G’s greatest hits, and keeping one’s hands to oneself, even when riding the elevator with one’s spouse or girlfriend(s).

Everyone’s the First Pick: Since women aren’t at all competitive, they all feel sorry for players who aren’t drafted with the first pick.  The female fanbase could expand if all the picks were referred to as the “first pick.” Plus, all the draftees would get a nice resume boost, and a participation ribbon with a roll of Smarties attached.

Hot, Male Law Enforcement with British Accents: Since the Jaguars are announcing their draft picks from London, and 95% of female NFL fans are simply uniform fetishists, the female fanbase would be likely to increase if, in addition to draft picks, there were some uniformed men with accents.

Future NFL Players Interacting Nicely with Rescue Puppies: All women love animals, particularly abandoned baby dogs. For maximum viewership, the puppy-to-NFL-player ratio should be as high as possible, around 15 per player. Research shows that viewership would increase if at least 20 percent of these puppies have some sort of injury or disability. Three-leggedness is optimal, and at least one dog should be wearing one of those plastic cones. Dr. James Andrews and RGIII could make guest appearances on this segment to expose women to the concepts of joint injuries and rehabilitation.

Draftees Helping Others: Here the players would be shown helping old ladies cross the street, teaching children how to read, and putting out fires (shirtless, of course) with some firefighters (who have foreign accents, of course). This theme could be incorporated into the rest of the broadcast. Players could be shown emptying the dishwasher at home, or casually throwing away an empty Pepsi (official soft drink of the NFL) can into the proper recycling bin.

Football Players Showing their Emotions and Expressing their Feelings: Women love feelings. During the draft, there could be slow-motion replays of NFL players crying. Commissioner Goodell could also announce the launch of NFL Emotes, an initiative that teaches men to be in touch with their feelings, and to share those feelings with the females in their lives. Since anger is a secondary emotion, there would be many examples of the players saying things like, “I am angry with you, but I have enough sense and manliness to know that my anger is merely masking my feelings of fear and insecurity.”