8,000-Year-Old Papyrus Scroll Accurately Predicts Every Sporting Event Since Dawn of Civilization

scrollArchaeologists in Egypt have uncovered an ancient piece of papyrus that appears to correctly predict the result of every major sporting event through the year 9999. Previously thought to be only a myth, this “Sports Oracle” has accurately predicted millions of athletic outcomes, from Sparta’s six gold medals in the 436 BC Olympic Games, to the Chicago Cubs’ defeat later this year in the 27th inning of Game 7 in the 2015 World Series.

“Technically, this is a perfect bracket, right?” said Dr. Murray Rutherford, leader of the expedition. “I say it counts. My lawyers will be placing a call to Yahoo!”

Athletes and commentators have reacted more soberly to the news. Many high-school and collegiate athletes have grown discouraged after learning of the short, unsuccessful, or injury-filled careers in store for them.

“I’m going to give up sports,” said Ben Thompson, a junior point guard for Western Wyoming University. “Basketball is fun, but a fully functional posterior cruciate ligament is more fun.”

“Sounds about right,” agreed Bobby Jones, a 17-year-old multi-sport prospect from Modesto, California. “I mean, what’s the point of even playing if you know how everything’s going to turn out, right? Screw it, man. I won’t be drug tested, at least.”

Proving these players’ point, the Oracle scroll indeed predicted that humans will stop playing organized sports as a result of knowing how everything will turn out. One sport, however, will remain; the “Soccer” section of the scroll simply says “LOL who cares?”

Political scientists are now scrambling to make their own predictions as to how the end of sports will affect international relations, while economists are forecasting the demise of the chicken wing and recliner industries.