The Stadt Sheet: Home Runs and All-Stars

Giancarlo Stanton hit 24 home runs in the first round of the Home Run Derby, impressing everyone not named Joey Chestnut.

The kids shagging fly balls in the outfield missed more than they caught, causing Major League Baseball to admit they were actually the Braves.

Cincinnati’s Adam Duvall hit 11 home runs in 3 minutes, automatically making himself ineligible to play for the Reds.

At the All-Star Game, Canadian quartet The Tenors caused a stir when they changed the lyrics of the Canadian national anthem to include the words “all lives matter.” Said Americans later, “Wait, there are lyrics to the Canadian national anthem?!”

The group later said that the offending member, who acted alone, was suspended. All Tenors don’t matter.

The Cubs have their best record at the midseason break since 1977. And Joe Buck mentioning it a dozen times won’t make Cubs fans feel jinxed at all.

David Ortiz is the oldest player in history to bat cleanup in the All-Star Game, proving once and for all that the Elias Sports Bureau has way too much time on its hands.

Ortiz left the game with an ovation that lasted longer than most of the National League’s at-bats.

Chris Sale started the game but only pitched one inning, or, as it’s known around the league, the “Matt Harvey special.”

Many viewers said they lost interest halfway through. But to be fair, they may have been talking about the Presidential election.

Vin Scully is retiring, but the Dodgers say his voice will most certainly live on, causing some to believe they’ve hired Frank Caliendo.

In the last game before the break, the Diamondbacks only got one hit. They called it “being on the wrong end of a pitching masterpiece.” The Twins call it “Any Given Sunday.”


Keith Alberstadt is a standup comedian who has appeared on “The Late Show,” “Late Night With Seth Meyers,” and your web browser. You should follow him on Twitter.