Just one day after resigning as president of the University of Missouri system amid controversy, Tim Wolfe was introduced as the new vice president of fan relations for the Washington Redskins.
“He has a strong track record of being a people person,” said team owner Daniel Snyder of the racist, corrupt, and out-of-touch executive. “His values and beliefs really line up with ours, in that we both tend to base our decisions on whatever is financially and politically convenient for us at the time.”
“I’m glad I was able to find a workplace that was welcoming of my viewpoints,” remarked Wolfe in a press conference. He was pleased that he’d be working with a football team that he knows “won’t strike because of racism, because if they wanted to, they would have already done it.”
Wolfe’s responsibilities will include creating stadium promotions, setting the price for beer, and tear gassing any protestors outside FedEx Field.
“We think he’s going to really excel in the position,” remarked team president Bruce Allen, who went on to praise Wolfe’s handling of the situation at the University of Missouri. “He really knew how to end that protest in a swift manner, and we hope to see more of the same as we deal with the riff-raff who think our name’s offensive,” said Allen.
Wolfe said that he is glad to be working in an organization where “no one is ever held accountable” and “considering the perspectives of others isn’t really a thing.”
Top draft pick turned backup quarterback Robert Griffin III was surprisingly upbeat about the hire in a locker-room interview, saying he was happy to finally have someone in the organization who would listen to black football players.
When contacted for comment, ESPN commentator and Twitter personality Bomani Jones was heard simultaneously shrieking and laughing.
At press time, outgoing University of Missouri chancellor R. Bowen Loftin was interviewing for the position of general manager of the Boston Sports Fan Association.
Raynell Cooper is a writer based in Washington DC, the home of the third-most politically correct NFC East team. You should follow him on Twitter.