Use Only as Directed: A Humorous Guide to Ibuprofen

Pile of Ibuprofen tablets

The NFL season is over, and whether players won the Super Bowl or went 2-14, one thing unites them all: their bodies are in pain. Fortunately, we have medicine for that, but taking it isn’t as straightforward as you might think.


WARNING: Keep ibuprofen tablets out of the reach of children.

If your household contains an unusually tall child, cut off his or her legs. Manage pain with two ibuprofen tablets every two to four hours.

If your household contains an unusually short adult, hmm… that’s a tough one. Try not getting headaches, I guess.

Ibuprofen tablets are not candy. If you are in need of a product that both tastes sweet and reduces inflammation, please try M&Ms (but only the yellow ones).

If you think you’ve swallowed too many ibuprofen tablets, just chill out, and adjust your definition of “too many.”

Take ibuprofen tablets with food. Have you tried Tammy’s Diner, on North and Chestnut? They have tuna melts as big as ya head! All that and a cup of soup for just $8.

Do not use ibuprofen tablets as tips for street musicians. These people have never eaten food, and would die instantly upon using the product.

Ibuprofen tablets are not for individual resale. And if you find yourself in a situation where you wish to buy or sell individual ibuprofen tablets, hope you can somehow squeeze yourself the hell out of that one, brother.

Do not use ibuprofen tablets as percussion instruments. When enclosed in the bottle, they can be used to make rhythmic shaking sounds, but they produce a vastly different timbre than Mexican maracas, which are made from hollowed-out ficus wood filled with dried beans.

Do not use ibuprofen tablets as hunting ammunition. They’ll just bounce off your targets and alert them to your presence. And good luck outrunning a disgruntled gazelle.

Do not use ibuprofen tablets as makeshift board-game pieces. The active ingredients have been known to react explosively with the soil of the Gumdrop Mountains.

Do not use ibuprofen tablets as a cleaning agent. I don’t even know how that would work, but still, it doesn’t sound like a very good idea.

Never take a job that requires you to spend money up front; it’s probably a pyramid scheme. That has nothing to do with ibuprofen tablets, I grant you, but it’s one of the best warnings I’ve ever received.