With the announcement this week that the Dallas Stars would be offering a heart attack-inducing “Klingburger” at home games, named after defenseman John Klingberg, I offer proposals for player-themed food items for the NHL’s other 29 teams:
Anaheim Ducks: Ham & Cheese Samis
Because you have to be at least 70 to substitute “samis” for sandwiches, food will be served by player grandparents.
Arizona Coyotes: Creamed Chipchurra Beef
There’s nothing like a heavy, meaty liquid on soggy bread when it’s 120 degrees outside. Good thing the Coyotes never make the playoffs and fans don’t have to worry about it getting too hot to eat such a heavy dish at the rink.
Boston Bruins: Chara’d Salmon
It’s not going to sell, but no one in Boston needs another bean dish or joke food item with an accent. There’s plenty of lobstah and chowder elsewhere.
Buffalo Sabres: Legwand of Lamb
Come and get it before it has to be retired!
Calgary Flames: Karri’s Authentic Chicken Ramo-n
Ramo-n. Ramo-en. Ramen. Whatever. It’s not a bigger mess than their goaltending.
Carolina Hurricanes: Eddie Lacos
It makes sense only because we’re about five years from the flagship Lack-o’s Tacos restaurant opening up. The man loves tacos enough to tattoo them on his body and put them on his helmet. He’ll open a restaurant.
Chicago Blackhawks: Bangers and Mashinter
Just like the player, no one in Chicago will like this dish. To that end, every plate will come with a list of talking points for ‘Hawks fans to complain about the play of Brandon Mashinter.
Colorado Avalanche: Skille-t Scalloped Potatoes
A wonderful new treat for when the Pepsi Center starts to smell funny between periods.
Columbus Blue Jackets: Campbell’s Soup
Everything about the Blue Jackets is phoned in this year; why would the concessions be any different? It’s just chicken noodle, too. They couldn’t even spring for the Tortorella Soup.
Detroit Red Wings: Tatar Tots
All proceeds benefit Tomas Tatar’s new charity, Tatar’s Tots.
Edmonton Oilers: Gin Hendricky w/ Hendrick’s Gin
Because Oilers fans deserve a drink.
Florida Panthers: Boil-land Cabbage and Potatoes
From the Panthers media guide: “This anachronistic dish will have you reassigned to the bathroom more times than we’ll reassign Dave Bolland to the AHL. Additionally, 50 percent of every purchase will help the franchise pay off his grossly inflated contract.”
Los Angeles Kings: Steak Marian-ade
The Marian Gaborik-themed marinade is aged and only shows up on half of all orders.
Minnesota Wild: Two Eggs Over Parise
Some might find the smell of eggs in the arena offensive, but the organization has promised that, like the team on the ice, you won’t find anything offensive about this dish.
Montreal Canadians: Beer PleCANac Chicken
This special beer-can chicken helps fans feel just like the Habs they love. They’ll get a jolt of energy from the calories and alcohol, become groggy and probably fall into a slump, before finding themselves golfing in April.
Nashville Predators: Grilled Hearts of Roman
Basically the opposite of the Klingburger, this romaine lettuce-based dish is a more responsible decision for your health.
New Jersey Devils: Gelina Jigglers
These Jell-o Jigglers come only in red and in the shape of Patrick Warburton’s face. You’ll remember them fondly when the player special changes to Farnham to Table Ham Sandwiches.
New York Islanders: Okposo Tail Soup
It may not seem practical for a hockey game, but neither are seats where you can’t see the net. Welcome to Barclays, where from the comfort of your seat, you can order Borscht from an iPhone app and see 70 percent of the rink.
New York Rangers: Corned Beef Nash
This very not-special corned beef hash comes from a Dinty “Dominic” Moore can and is thrown on a bun, so you can take it on the go.
Philadelphia Flyers: Coconut Raffl-o Balls
Not only are they delicious, they’ll give the fans fodder for jokes that will drive home Philly’s reputation as the city killed the hitchhiking robot. The robot was destroyed in Philadelphia after having survived hitchhiking through Germany, the Netherlands, Canada, hanging out with a metal band, and going to a Red Sox game.
Pittsburgh Penguins: Beau Gratin Potatoes
Beau Bennett’s grandmother’s recipe, served with coleslaw on the side, because Pittsburgh.
Ottawa Senators: Puempel-nickel Pizza Bagels
When pizza is on a bagel, you can eat pizza any time.
San Jose Sharks: Three Tierney Cake
This is the highlight of a full player-themed restaurant at SAP Center featuring deep-fried Vlasic pickles, Buffalo Wingels, Grilled Zucchini with Yogurt Dill-on and Kansas City-style Burns-t Ends.
St. Louis Blues: Jaskin Robbins
There’s hope that this dish will make him a franchise player. I regret nothing.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Machessault-ed Caramel
It’s a real Palat pleaser, especially with a Paquette of sugar sprinkled on top. (Only place to go is down from that last one.)
Toronto Maple Leafs: Froese-n Yogurt
Warning on Air Canada Centre Menus: “We’d like to remind fans that player-themed foods may not be traded in for coupons for future food prior to the third period. All purchases are final.”
Vancouver Canucks: Markstrom-boli with a side Cracknell Pepper Chips
Perfect for Canucks fans, because there’s nothing perennially disappointing about stromboli.
Washington Capitals: Kuznet-soft Serve Ice Cream
Yes, ice cream in the winter, because we established this weekend that American winter is just like a nice Russian spring.
Winnipeg Jets: Peluso Meat Sandwich
Like the best parts of Roseanne, you’ll have to get used to the idea of a loose meat sandwich.
Dustin Nelson is a professional hockey chef based in New York City. You should follow him on Twitter.