The Comments Section of Chris Paul’s Instagram Is Where My Voice Will Be Heard!

@cp3fan4life1999, you are an IDIOT. I can tell by the stupid face in your avatar. What are you, 16 or something? Only a moron like yourself wouldn’t know that Chris Paul is one of the phoniest people in the NBA. Let me count the ways.

First off, where’s Paul’s son? I see his daughter, but no Chris Paul Jr. to be found. Hmmmm. Very suspicious for someone who all the commercials (and there are A LOT of them) try to tell us is a family man. He couldn’t even be bothered to Instagram a photo of both his kids? I’ve looked at the rest of his account and there are NO photos of his kids together. How do we even know they’re REALLY siblings? Maybe they run away at the mere sight of each other, knowing that their lifelong prison of pretending to be Paul’s offspring will only end in death. Ever think of that?

Then there’s this photo of Paul and his wife at Cracker Barrel. Hahaha YEAH RIGHT. That’s CP3 (the p stands for phony) trying to pretend he’s a simple Southern boy who never forgot his roots. We don’t know what four years in HOLLYWEIRD does to someone who was already a fraud. Did he Instagram his personal chef preparing Alaskan salmon, sprouted mung and lentil salad, and a precious cup of young lemon-ginger tea before his photo op? Pffft. I think not. And did you get a load of the caption? “Church and Cracker Barrel #NC #HomeSweetHome” I’m going to puke. Like we’re supposed to believe Paul went to church on Sunday when he had a rare offseason Saturday night to party with his childhood friends. Was he unable to find a babysitter to watch his fake kids?

And another thing! If you didn’t think Paul was the ultimate fake, there’s an Instagram of him with B. Hussein Obama wishing the “President” a happy birthday. That photo reminds me that Paul is the president of the NBA’s player union. Shocking that the NBA’s ultimate huckster would be a union leader. I saw on SportsCenter that he’s going to push the owners hard for a new collective bargaining agreement. Typical athletes. Always wanting more! Why should they get a pay raise when my beer still costs $13? Are imported child slaves who pose as fake children on Instagram to push a false narrative of family values really that expensive? WAKE UP DUDE! CHRIS PAUL IS BOGUS.But yeah, I guess you’re right about the Western Conference. With the work Doc Rivers did to build up last year’s shoddy bench, the Clippers have a real chance of making the Finals.

Pablo Goldstein is a comedy writer based in Los Angeles. You can harass him about being a phony via his Twitter.