Former Blue Jays pitcher David Price has struck it rich in free agency, reportedly agreeing to a seven-year, $217 million contract with the Boston Red Sox. That means he’s now the highest-paid pitcher in all of baseball. Let’s take a quick look at what that means for Price’s wallet:
Assuming he doesn’t exercise his opt-out clause after three seasons, Price will average a salary of $31 million through 2022. That’s $58.98 every minute for the next seven years. In the time it takes you to finish reading this introduction, David Price will have pocketed enough cash to buy a copy of Fallout 4.
David Price is going to make an average of $84,931 per day for the next seven years. PER DAY. Meanwhile, we’re on the #Maruchan diet.
— Crooked Scoreboard (@CrookedScore) December 2, 2015
That’s a lot of cash! Being one of the top three left-handed pitchers in the world comes with its perks. One of those perks is the ability to buy lots of things. Here are some suggestions for how Price can put those fat stacks to work.
Buy a Country
I recommend Tuvalu:
By GDP, it’s just a little over Price’s budget, but if I’ve learned anything from watching hours of “House Hunters: International” with my girlfriend, budgets are for squares (also, granite countertops: not worth it). If the weighty responsibility of owning an entire nation proves to be too daunting, Price can always form a collective with his teammates. Have Hanley Ramirez pitch in $22.75 million. Pablo Sandoval contributes $17.6 million. David Ortiz adds $16 million to the pot. Factor in Rick Porcello’s $20 million (wait, what?) and this group becomes a major player for Nauru. Include the entire Red Sox roster, and all of Kiribati can probably be had, though I hear that one’s a lemon.
One additional suggestion: Make an offer on Greece. It’s a fixer-upper.
A New Crib For His Dog
Rabid followers of David Price’s Instagram know all about his French Bulldog, Astro.
It’s not easy being the pet of a professional athlete. Your owner/best friend keeps odd hours, is always traveling, and even has to go to Canada from time to time. Dogs hate it when their owners go to Canada.
With three bedrooms, three baths, and 2,957 square feet, this single-family home in Cambridge offers Astro plenty of space to stretch his paws and store his many designer chew toys, all for the low, low price of $1,579,000.
Of course, if Price really wants to reward Astro for being such-a-good-boy, there’s always this castle. Just ignore that it’s not currently on the market. Every house is on the market when you’ve got $217 million.
Apparently it’s the most expensive car in the world, Price will be able to afford it by mid-April.
20.67 Million Twinkies
That’s over 904 tons and 2.79 billion calories worth of Twinkies. Better take some extra pre-game sprints.
The Toronto Argonauts
Plenty of Blue Jays fans are disappointed in Price for joining a division rival only weeks after pitching for Toronto in the ALCS. How can he swiftly repair this scarred relationship? By purchasing the Argonauts, who have fallen off since last claiming the Grey Cup in 2012. We hear Johnny Manziel needs a change of scenery. Can you imagine Johnny (Canadian) Football leading the Argos back to prominence?
Buy Crooked Scoreboard
Opening bid is $5 million. C’mon, Dave: That’s less than two months’ salary. Plus, we’re really hungry, and all that Maruchan isn’t going to pay for itself.
If Robert Montenegro could buy his own country, it would probably be Montenegro. Follow him on Twitter.