What If We Were All Held to the Same Standards as College Coaches?

Mark Richt was let go as University of Georgia’s head football coach. He wasn’t habitually late for work. He didn’t steal money from the cash register. He didn’t even feed the bulldog store-brand dog food. (Only Nature’s Balance and gator meat for Uga X.) All he did was lead some unpaid teenagers and 20-year-olds to one or two fewer wins than the school would have liked. It’s worth noting that one of the team’s best players, Nick Chubb, missed nearly the entire season.

College athletic directors hold their coaches to ridiculously high standards, especially in football, and especially in the SEC. Georgia’s athletic director, Greg McGarity, is paying millions of dollars to a fire a guy who’s given the school a bunch of good-but-not-championship-winning years. There’s only one Crystal Football Parentheses Trophy-thing given out each year, and Richt never managed to bring it to Georgia.

What if everyone was held to the same standard as top-flight college football coaches? What if your boss could just fire you and replace you for doing a slightly worse than perfect job? Here are some conversations that would take place under this level of scrutiny:

Parent Hiring a Babysitter

“10:15!? 10:15!!!??? We said that Chaeden needed to go to bed at 10:12. And you cooked, what, a goddamn chicken parm? Do you think he’s an Italian hobo? Do we look like Italian hobos to you? We only serve French and Nordic cuisine, because we’re civilized people. I’m sure the dinner coordinator at our neighbor’s house can do a much better job babysitting my child. Here, take your pay, and $3,000 extra, and get out!”

Used Car Lot Manager

“You let her leave? You let her leave without even test-driving a car? Do you think this 1994 Acura Legend is going to sell itself? I know she was eight years old and just trying to sell Girl Scout Cookies, because look! I bought three boxes. It takes you a whole morning to sell three cars! I need to run and grab her; she knows what she’s doing.”

Skittles Factory Quality Assurance Manager

“This product is going out to every Skittles consumer in North America, and HERE YOU ARE letting three too many green Skittles into each family-sized bag. We want to breed a culture of success, and only bring in the very best to our Skittles factory, and we just don’t think we can do that while you’re employed here. We don’t think just having the right weight of Skittles is good enough. We expect a perfect distribution of flavors, and you’re just not capable of doing that.”

Dog Owner

“15 years. I’ve been picking up your poops for 15 years! You’ve been a loyal companion, and you can sit and roll over and do dumb crap like that, but you haven’t won Best in Show! Sure, you’ve gotten close. There were a few years you would have won without a poorly-timed injury, but seriously? Are you going to use that as an excuse? I think you know where the doggy door is, ya dumb pooch.”

Crooked Scoreboard Writer

“What the hell kind of piece is this? No one cares about college football coaches and CERTAINLY no one feels sympathy for Mark Richt, who’s probably about to get a pay raise at his new job in Miami. Also, this story is, what, a week old? We’re going to have to let you go.”


Raynell Cooper is a disgraced former Crooked Scoreboard writer who can be found passing time with Italian hobos. You should follow him on Twitter.