Great Reasons Not to Go on a Run Today

In case you were looking for excuses, here are 29 of them.

1. The weather just isn’t ideal for a run.


2. It’s either too hot or too cold. And if it’s a perfect day, why waste it on a stupid run?
3. If you run you might be too tired later on to cook a delicious dinner. And you don’t want your nutrition to suffer.

Better method of transportation than running.

4. You aren’t properly hydrated. Scientists say you should start hydrating days before any taxing physical activity.
5. There are some beautiful sights outside, sure, but not nearly enough Netflix.
Why not just watch a show about people who jog?
6. Your shoes are too old and therefore lack proper cushioning, OR
7. Your shoes are new and fresh and you don’t want to muck them up.
Too flashy? Or just right?
8. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus say he’s cool with jogging.
Although he was built like a runner…
9. It might really sting if sweat gets in your eyes.
10. Our bodies weren’t even designed to stand.
11. No really, hear me out! The way we’re built, we put all our weight on two disproportionately small feet, which are connected to two exceedingly fragile ankles, with most of the shock being absorbed by two tiny little knee caps.
12. Do you really think your knees can handle that? One might say you’re “finna bust a cap” if you go for a run.
13. I don’t even think we’re supposed to walk upright…
Stages in human evolution
There’s the problem–started from the bottom and should have stayed there
14. Perhaps most importantly, you don’t look your best when running. You kinda change color and look constipated. Well, unless you’re this guy:
But you’re probably not this guy.
15. Our ancestors worked hard to invent cars, buses, and Bat wings, just so we could survive without running.
“This is how you repay me!?”
16. Honestly, it’s like if you were granted magical powers but still opted for the Muggle lifestyle. WE HAVE EVOLVED! The only time it’s acceptable to forego your powers is when a beloved house elf dies. Then you can go for a run, to try to outrace the tears.
17. You’re from America, and you know “These Colours don’t run.” Which explains what some might call our weight problem..
18. Bartolo Colón is a professional athlete and he’s obviously never run anywhere in his life.
It should be mentioned that we at Crooked Scoreboard really really really love Bartolo Colón.
19. The satisfaction that is derived from an intense workout can be replicated by setting a high score in Flappy Bird, tweeting something pretty clever, or finishing an entire Domino’s pizza by yourself.
20. All the professional runners take steroids anyway, and you ain’t about that lifestyle.
21. You always have to decide whether you should take your phone with you, and then there’s your keys, and wallet, and then you have to decide whether you’ll be listening to music, and where you should go, and for how long you want to run, etc…
22. Life has too many difficult decisions without all this stuff. Is a little kick of dopamine really worth it?
23. You fear the soul-sucking wrath of a charley horse.
Visual approximation of a charley horse.
24. No run you can ever go on will rival the awesomeness of the running part of Forrest Gump.
25. So, you’d rather emulate Forrest in other ways, like playing ping pong, eating ice cream, and/or reading Curious George.
“You get me, ice cream.”
26. Running long distances is just so mainstream today, you know? Do you really want to be in the same boat as those people who buy the “26.2” stickers and put them on their Priuses? Whilst listening to Jack Johnson? Running isn’t just exercise–it’s a lifestyle.
27. You already showered yesterday…
28. There is a realistic chance that some crazycrazy will be targeting runners who fit your profile exactly and, upon seeing you, will sneak up behind you and clobber you in the head with a nine iron and then you’ll wake up in a dingy basement surrounded by dental equipment, the third season of M*A*S*H, and empty cans of tuna. Like I said, the chances are not zero.
29. Running sucks, and you’d rather not.
“Have a great run! Wait, but before you go, give me a hug goodbye? Maybe just hang out for a few hours or something?”