The free-spending Los Angeles Dodgers, who offered Zack Greinke $160 million over five years, were outbid by the Arizona Diamondbacks’ offer of $206 million over six years. Normally, this would be a devastating blow for any die-hard fan of the Boys in Blue. But I’m an optimist who sees the extra $7.6 million over the next six years as a glass-half-full situation. Here’s how the Dodgers can spend that extra cash:
-126,666 copies of the newest FIFA video game, each year, for the next six years, so that Yasiel Puig can Instagram himself beating his 12-year-old cousins.
-76 extra cameramen whose only job is to find cute babies in the crowd for Vin Scully to gush over.
-135 additional PR gurus on Jewish Heritage Night to explain that Kiké Hernandez’s name is not actually anti-Semitic.
-25 child support payments to be randomly dispersed to Steve Garvey’s 34 illegitimate children.
-12 light meals for Hyun-Jin Ryu.
-A one-time donation to the LA Times to pay off their T.J. Simers settlement without having to lay off anybody.
-A six-episode Netflix sitcom starring Brandon McCarthy and Brett Anderson
-A social-media team for Magic Johnson, so that his tweets, on topics ranging from Kobe Bryant’s retirement to the Paris terrorist attacks, are no longer published four days after said events happen
-An announcing class for Charley Steiner that teaches him to stop saying “nothing and 1,” and instead say “oh and 1” like a normal human being.
-Beach Ball Giveaway Night. Every night.
-A one-year, $3 million contract with $4.6 million in incentives for Juan Uribe.
***
Pablo Goldstein is a writer who, as far as we know, is not one of Steve Garvey’s sons. You should follow him on Twitter.
